Captain Planet

Gay Cartoons Part One

Earth!
Fire!
Wind!
Water!
Heart!

GO PLANET!

With your powers combined I am Captain Planet!

Captain Planet, he's our hero,
Gonna take pollution down to zero,
He's our powers magnified,
And he's fighting on the planet side

Captain Planet, he's our hero,
Gonna take pollution down to zero,
Gonna help him put us under,
Bad guys who like to loot and plunder

"You'll pay for this Captain Planet!"

We're the planeteers,
You can be one too!
'Cause saving our planet is the thing to do,
Looting and polluting is not the way,
Hear what Captain Planet has to say:

"THE POWER IS YOURS!!"

Captain Planet is a gay super hero that fights pollution. Hmm right. Most super heroes fight crime and protect citizens of their respective city from violent villains and evil criminal masterminds. Captain Planet fights littering and smog.

It was a worthy cause but would never catch on. I can imagine the writers behind Captain Planet. “We need an end to all of this pollution madness! We have to get the kids involved while they are young.” “How about a rad super hero that fights for the Earth.” “Awesome! Tell me more.” “And he can have green hair and a mullet.”

The intro begins with the narrator stating that the world is in peril. Gaia is the Earth spirit and “can no longer stand the terrible destruction plaguing our planet.” What terrible destruction? Environmentalists are so paranoid and obsessed with protecting the Earth so our grandchildren will see trees, grey owls or whatever nonsense.

Look people realize we have to change our ways to save the planet. It really bothers me when we destroy animals’ habitats and cut down the rainforest. But I think we are getting better. “Evil” corporations spend millions to keeping green and educating people on how to help the environment. We don’t need some hero with a green mullet telling us to save the world from immanent doom.

Captain Planet is summoned by five planeteers from around the globe. Like in Lord of the Rings they all have special rings that grant them powers. But they’re not on a journey to save Middle Earth and fight orcs and shit. They fight pollution.

There is the token black kid Kwame with the power of earth. There is the radical kid Wheeler from North America. Haha nice name. He has the power of fire and doesn’t tie his shoes. There is the chick Linka from the Soviet Union with the power of Wind; I don’t trust her. Gi is the kid from Indo China with the power of Water. And Ma-Ti is from Brazil with the power of heart. Haha what a useless power that is; that’s power a chick would have.

I don’t know what the Planeteers do exactly. “Captain Planet here with the Planeteers. Let me see the evidence.” “Look Planet, we don’t need your help.” “Well Officer Murdock, I gather the suspect threw out a bag of cocaine.” “This isn’t your jurisdiction Planet.” “Throwing a bag out the window is littering. And I don’t think the car passed the emissions tests." “Dammit Planet I don’t tell you how to do your job.” “Murdock if we don’t stop the pollution now, we’re all fucked!” “Go save a tree Planet” “Go give someone a parking ticket! I have connections that could end your pitiful job in a heartbeat.”

Hoggish Greedly is the leader of the Eco Villains who loves to pollute and he drives a Humvee. One of his henchmen is Duke Nukem. I don’t think it’s the same Duke Nukem from the video games. The real Duke Nukem would pull out a pipe bomb and throw it at the planeteers, shoot Captain Planet in the eye and say hail to the king baby. I’m not sure what their mandate is aside from destroying the Earth’s natural balance. “Muhaha I love to see the hole in the ozone layer get even bigger! Muhaha, I threw a McDouble wrapper on the road. Muhaha. I tossed a mountain dew in the garbage and not in the recycling can. I’ll get you Captain Planet!”