No Name Brands

Generic Shit

I always get into arguments, mainly with my mom, saying that most no-name products are inferior to name brand products. Sometimes it doesn’t matter like bottle water, vitamin pills or douche bags. How can bottle water taste any different when it’s all water? I’m sure hose water is just as good as some natural spring water in Iceland. Unless of course there is slime or lead in it or if someone took a piss in it.

But when it comes to cereal I stand by my Kellogg’s Fruit Loops and not President’s Choice Fruit Hoops. What’s with the names President’s Choice or Master’s Choice anyway? Does President Obama or a master karate sensei give their seal of approval? And shouldn’t it be Prime Minister’s Choice over here in Canada?

I have always loved soda since I was a kid. I get mad at my mom for buying diet, caffeine free, low sodium no name cola just to save 20 cents per can. Sure Pepsi wastes millions in advertisements and one of the reasons I prefer it to Coke is because they have funnier commercials.

But they specialize in pop and are the best at it, while PC does every kind of food product. And I can tell which is RC (Royal Crap) or Faggot Pop, I mean Faygo Pop, and what is Pepsi in taste tests. I wonder why there is regular Pepsi when Diet Pepsi and Pepsi One have fewer calories but the same great taste. However I admit when I’m picking out what juice to get I go for the one with the prettiest bottle, which is usually Fruitopia because it looks delicious.

I even find my fake razor is no where as good as my dad’s Gillette Mach 5000. I thought they were both razors how else they could be different. But the cheap one takes forever and I cut myself everywhere. It’s hard for me to look so good. So I finally joined the band wagon and got a Mach 3 and my chin has never been so smooth.

When it comes to technology I will always shell out more for the brand products. I don’t know how many times I bought an Xtreme 64 controller or a Somy Discperson just to have it break, or not work at all, to save ten bucks. Even a RCA is no where as good as Sony. I went through three RCA discmen until I finally got a Sony, which has lasted over six years and counting; but I now use my Ipod. There’s a reason why brand technology is more expensive; because it’s better quality.

Some people say when buying clothes that you pay for the label. I will never buy a shirt just because it says Levis (or whatever is hip nowadays). But if you want to present yourself to the world as cheap or thrifty, go right ahead. There is a huge difference in quality in the jeans you find at Wal-Mart versus a good clothing store.

I go to Winners because they have name-brand clothing at Wal-Mart prices. Sure 95% of the clothes are lame but you can find the odd cool shirt. And never buy something only because it’s on sale or something that is nice but doesn’t fit. Its just I trust getting Joe Boxers compared to Jim Boxers.

But whatever you do don’t buy Electro batteries for your cheap generic smoke detector. Sure the batteries are fine when playing Gameboy but you don’t want to endanger your family because you got a pack of 20 Electro batteries for $2. “Honey the house is on fire and the smoke alarm didn’t go off. Grab Alex, the baby and Fido. There’s no time for Little Timmy.” “Okay dear, I’ll call 911. Dammit my Redcherry cell phone won’t get a signal!” “Ah don’t worry honey we have house insurance and I never really liked Little Timmy.”