Be Afraid. Be Very Afraid

As you all know danger is my middle name. No, no its James. But don’t you think that would be the ultimate middle name? But even I have fears and phobias, if you can believe that.

As a kid I was never afraid of monsters in my closet. “Look little Timmy for the last time there are no monsters in your closet or under your bed. See look there is nothing at all. And please don’t piss in your bed again. Okay? Goodnight.” But I was afraid of the dark and needed one of those night lights. Until about eight years ago.

I was terrified of heights. I still don’t like being on the balcony of an apartment. I remember being so excited of going to Cedar Point and riding the Demon Drop. I couldn’t wait but as soon we were at the front of the line I freak out and do the walk of shame.

I do have an overactive imagination. I used to be afraid of ghosts that will take my eternal soul. I used to be afraid of manikins that would come alive and eat me. I still find the headless ones kind of creepy.  I don’t know why they can’t just give them arms or a head, and enough with these ultra anorexic manikins.

Now there are different categories of fears. Obviously there are life threatening fears like being attacked by sharks. There are social phobias like the fear of being embarrassed. I think I would take my chances with Jaws than speaking in the United Nations. And there are also fears of finance like the fear of your stocks crashing.

It’s weird that as a kid I could do anything without stage fright. I used to do drama club, speeches and science fairs to name a few. Then my life took a U-turn and now I have terrible stage fright. It gets so bad that I can’t even answer a question in the front of class without stuttering or saying something stupid.

I said this before that I’m an afraid of alligators and certain breeds of dogs. But I also fear other animals. For example I’m afraid of skunks. They’re not life threatening but I wouldn’t want to get sprayed. I mean that’s some nasty shit and you end up using a jar of mayo (or whatever) to get the stink out.

I saw one downtown London and slowly backed away and ending up making a two km detour. I wonder from an evolution perspective how some species increasingly got smellier and smellier to the point that they are a skunk.

I have never really been afraid of bugs, I just find them really really annoying. House flies are the worse; they just fly around making noise and landing on you. That’s why I find such joy using the swatter. Except I’m afraid of hornets and millipedes. I’m worried a hornet will sting me in the eye. And millipedes are just big and creepy. And I’m afraid of getting aids through mosquitos’ bites.

I hate being itchy so much I rather be in pain. The first time I got poison ivy I was in Hell for two weeks. I contracted it while playing manhunt when I hid in a poison ivy patch. But they never found me. So now I’m terrified of getting it again and I won’t go into the woods now.

I’m worried about my future too. What will I do, how will I afford my lifestyle? I always freak out when I can’t find my wallet and think someone has stolen all my money, bought porn using my credit car and have taken over my identity.

I have repeating nightmares. One is taking the math exam without studying. I freak out and can’t remember my lock combination or anything. Another one is somebody has stolen all of my video games. I wake up with a sigh of relief that I still have them and nobody has stolen Mario Kart 64. I also have the dream where I’m butt naked in public and wondering why am I butt naked in public.

There are some weird fears too like I’m afraid getting struck by flaming helicopter debris. One is that some evil government corporation has unleashed a virus that will eat at your flesh unless you find the antidote And I’m afraid waking up in an alley with my kidney removed.

Oh and I’m afraid of girls.