Mulan and Chinese Culture

Chinese Checkers

I just watched Disney’s Mulan and it was alright. It wasn’t no Lion King or Aladdin. Before I watched it I thought it was Japanese. Too bad because I really like Japanese culture. As you know the story goes that some girl pretends to be a male warrior.

It begins with Mulan getting prepared for the match maker which she doesn’t want to do. I don’t know why they put on this white makeup. Nobody likes pale people. So she fucks that up and her father is dishonored.

I also don’t know why Asian culture is so obsessed with honor. Whenever I’m drunk and puke all over the floor, my mom doesn’t say I dishonored her. She just yells at me to clean it up and don’t drink so much. When I dropped out of college my dad never said I dishonored him. “Gregory son, all you do eat McDonalds is play video games! You have dishonored our family!”

So Mulan has to act like a guy. I find cross gendered people scary as Hell. Guys becoming girls more so. Its one thing to be a cross dresser. Even I have tried on a wig and wore my mom’s clothes as a kid. But to have surgery done is again scary.

Funny, I watched an old talk show Jenny Jones where the audience has to figure out if someone is a guy or a girl. And one girl is so excited when she tells the audience she’s actually a girl. “No I’m actually a woman. Haha.” I wondered why anyone wants that public humiliation on T.V.

Eddie Murphy is the voice of the dragon. I would love to have my own pet dragon except if it’s Eddie Murphy. He is the comic relief but I find him as annoying as Jar Jar Binks. He tries way too hard to be funny.

Sure I loved Murphy’s standup, like Delirious or Raw, Beverly Hills Cop, The Nutty Professor but he’s the biggest sellout. I admit if people are throwing money at me to star in a shitty movie, I do it too. But he is a one dimension character that only plays himself.

So Mulan and a few soldiers they face like thousands of Mongols coming over the mountain much like the movie 300. She thought of a great idea of using a rocket to hit huge chunk of ice that causes an avalanche killing most of the Mongols. The leader and a few others survive and the first thing he does is yell like crazy; not a smart idea.

The band of soldiers finally find out that she’s a chick. They’re so pissed off that they leave her in the middle of the fucking mountains. I don’t understand why they are so pissed off that she’s a girl. She just saved them all from certain doom and then are mad because she has tits. Let’s say you’re deep in Vietnam and you were saved by a girl. You wouldn’t just leave her there would you? But I won’t spoil the end.

Imagine you had to fight a girl? You lose both ways because you either beat up a girl or you get beaten by a girl. “Grasshopper you have beaten up a poor helpless girl. You have a dishonored our family!”

I love Chinese buffets especially Panda Gardens. When I walk into that restaurant they lose money. I keep eating plate after plate. I love chicken balls, spring rolls, egg rolls and sushi the most. Can you ever get a bad fortune cookie? You will have a horrible year when you find out you have cancer.

What pisses me off is when they are speaking in Chinese and you have no clue what they are saying. “That dark fellow wearing a Quicksilver shirt keeps eating all of the icecream.” “He is a bottomless pit of a man.” “He is not even a man. Haha.” If I could speak another language it would be Japanese. And it would be cool to say whatever you want.

Me and J.P. went to an all you can eat Sushi restaurant. The trick is that you have to pay for what you don’t eat. So we ordered way too much and we just kept stuffing sushi into our mouths. My stomach almost exploded and I swore I would never eat again. Then I had a Big Mac three hours later.

I notice a lot of people get Chinese or Japanese tattoos. I’m already not a big fan of tattoos but I would never have one of those Asian letters on my arm. Who knows what they mean? Some people think it says great warrior or cunning master. But who knows? It could be shit eating fuck head.

I should have taken karate back in the day so I would know the death touch. Karate Kid was a cool movie but I think Mr. Miyagi only wanted his fence painted and get his car waxed. I tried the whole kick thing he does but it’s very awkward. In real life your secret kick would do nothing. Have you seen UFC? The opponent would just tackle you or punch you in the face. And then Grasshopper has dishonored Mr. Miyagi.