World Wrestling Federation

WWF WTF

Let’s Get Ready To Rumble! (And pay me $10000 for saying that).

John 3:16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. I’m not sure what that has to do with wrestling but whatever.

Do you remember the WWF when it was still the WWF? Now the hippy World Wildlife Federation has stolen the name WWF because they suck. Seriously can’t they make up another name like Animal Association or WAS, We Are Sissies?

WWF was huge until UFC came along. I don’t even know if the WWF is still on. The thing about UFC is that’s real and the only rule is there are no rules. But I think there is no contact to your opponent’s junk, eye gouging or pulling of the hair. And it’s totally cooler than boxing. I would bet Ken Shamrock to beat up Tyson any day. And I think it would be cool if a WWF wrestler actually fought in the Octagon.

Wrestling dates back to ancient Greece and since their culture is super gay they wrestled nude. Too bad only guys can grapple because it would be super hot if two chicks went at it without the mud. Imagine Brittany Spears took on Christine Aguilera. However people didn’t take kindly to real wrestling and so here came the WWF.

Spoiler alert! WWF is all staged. Or at least most of the time. They are accomplished athletes but everything is choreographed. Why do they stomp the ground every time they punch someone? Do they go to the punching bag and stomp the ground like crazy? I know Mankind would intentionally cut himself or get hit so he would bleed.

The best event has to be the Royal Rumble where thirty something wrestlers go at it until one remains. I also liked the ladder matches because it looks really dangerous. The cage matches are cool too. And there is of course Wrestlemania. The classic one between Hulk Hogan and Andre the Giant was the greatest.

As the years passed the show became more and more like a male soap opera or reality show. Half the time the wrestlers and chicks are bickering and dissing each other without doing any actual wrestling.

I love all of the classic wrestlers when I was a kid.  Hulk Hogan is the most notorious wrestler. He fought Rocky and wow was there size difference between him and Stallone. He was the top good guy when fans liked good guys. And he goes through a ton of shirts. Seriously Hulk, have you ever heard of pulling your shirt over your head? I admit I tried to do it myself and it didn’t work. I ended up cutting it.

Andre the Giant was my favorite; I felt bad that he died of his gigantism. I heard the man could drink like seventy beers in a day. And I’m sure he ate a ton of Big Macs. It must suck though that you would need everything to accommodate your size, such as doors, clothes, showers and cars just to name a few. But he could always save a kitten stuck in a tree.

Jake the Snake was cool because he always brings in his snake. I think it would be cooler if he was Taylor the Alligator and he would bring in an alligator to finish off his opponent. I wonder what happened to him. Maybe he joined the other WWF to protect endangered snakes.

The Macho Man loves his Slim Jim. Oooooh yeah! My bother swore he saw the Macho Man driving a humvee when we were at Clearwater, Florida. Oooh yeeah! I wonder if anyone called him the Nacho Man and he beat the shit of them and said oooh yeeah! However it’s sad to say that he died a year ago of a sudden massive heart attack. Oooh noo.

The Iron Sheik is the WWF's racist stereotype from the Middle East. He was a wrestler that the fans loved to hate. I don’t know if people from the Middle East rooted for him or if they never heard of T.V. They should bring him back but I think he ended blowing himself up. 

I’m scared shitless of Chyna. There is a woman that could kick any guy’s ass. I don’t know what kind of man could handle her? I did see her playboy centerfold and I felt she looked too much like a guy on steroids that it seemed kind of gay.

The Undertaker is Goth kids answer to wrestling. His signature is the Tombstone Piledriver. I wonder if he did the eulogy to Owen Heart’s funeral. And I also wonder what the person behind the Undertaker is like. Is he always so dark or is it just his character?

The Midgets are the best. I love Rey Mysterio the most because he could do all of these flips and acrobatic feats. I know he’s Mexican or something but you never see his face. They should have a match with him and two other midgets taking on the Big Show.

Everyone loves the Rock. You know what would be the best match, the Rock versus the Rock. The Rock is probably the most successful wrestler turned actor and starred in many shows and movies; like the Mummy and sadly the Tooth Fairy movie. Too bad I think they all suck.

But don’t fans ever get tired of stupid catch phrases? Every other sentence by the Rock is “can you smell what the Rock is cooking?” Yes, the Rock is making smelly Indian food. Sometimes I speak in the third person too. Can you lend the Greg ten bucks? I don’t really like stupid signs or nose makers. I mean it would suck sitting behind some idiot’s sign.

I wonder how sturdy those chairs are and why are they there in the first place? “Honey are these our front row seats?” “No dear they are conveniently placed chairs for the wrestlers to beat each other with.” Why not use plastic chairs? But if you really want them hurt each other than they should leave a club with spikes?

And of course there are the backyard wrestling for retards. The thing is that when the WWF makes disclaimers, those idiots that the disclaimer is intended for are not going to read it. “Hey Chuck the WWF warns us not to imitate them because they are professionals.” “Fuck it Ted. I’m going to jump out of the tree and land on some bricks.”