I Can't Cook

Chef Greg

I know everyone thinks that their mom is the best chef. Well you’re all wrong!  My mom owns the kitchen. You should see her cook book, it’s like are relic. She makes a killer three cheese lasagna that it is way better than anything at Eastside Mario’s. I also like her meatloaf, spaghetti, spare ribs and pancakes. Every time I eat somewhere else it taste nowhere as good. Like when we are having turkey at my relatives. It sucks compared to my mom’s meals.

When I was on my own and wasn’t mooching on my parents I would eat microwave dinners. I would wait till there is a sale and stock up the freezer. I love Hungryman dinners because I’m a hungry man! My favorites are buffalo chicken and cheese fries. Mmm. I also get Michelina’s if I’m not man enough for Hungryman. The good thing about Hungryman, or Swanson, is there are real vegetables. Normally I take a couple of vitamin pills. If one is good for you than five will be five times better! There is also lettuce in my Big Mac.

Normally I don’t like vegetables; especially spinach. In fact I loath spinach or sea weed. My mom would force me to eat it and asks don’t you want to be like Popeye? “No, not really. He’s kind of weird.” So I would eat a spoonful and say “There I ate it.” I do enjoy corn on the comb, asparagus and Caesar salad though. Every thing else I try to swallow whole without tasting it. My question is, shouldn’t the good stuff taste good and the bad food taste bad?

Do you ever watch those pizza pockets commercials and think that it would be cool to grab a sledge hammer and make it explode? Do you also see those Delicioso commercials where some guy keeps telling them it’s not delivery it’s Delicioso. “Dammit Craig it’s fucking Delicioso! I keep telling you it’s not delivery!” The funny thing is that Delicioso doesn’t come close to a real pizza. In fact the rising crust one gets both soggy and burnt. I recommend McCain’s thin crust. With most pizza related food I always cook it longer than what it says on the box.

Honestly I should learn how to cook considering I have so much free time on my hands. I know how to pour cereal, nuke popcorn, cook Chef Boyardee, make a peanut butter sandwich, open a can of tuna and make a grilled cheese with block cheese. That’s pretty much sums it. I can’t crack eggs, barbecue, stir, measure or flip things. But I got to start somewhere. Maybe I will try to make potatoes or better yet make my own pancakes because if I knew how to make my own pancakes I would eat it every morning and gain like forty pounds.

I am a pro at making macaroni though. It’s staple for any college student. It’s fast and easy to prepare and tastes awesome. Back at UWO me and my roommate J.P. would use a cauldron and would make like three boxes of Kraft’s finest. However if you don’t eat Macaroni right away it gets kind of gross. Just don’t make it if you are drunk. Once I put the cheese instead of the noodles in the pot and was pissed. Or I would forget it and it would boil over. I also got way too drunk at Aaron’s place and made macaroni only to puke it all over the floor and then sleep there in my own macaroni vomit. Anyway I got to go to the kitchen and make some Kraft because all of this food talk has made me hungry.