Oh Canada

I see that I got some hits from the States. Greeting neighbor.  I’m from a quant town Sarnia, Ontario. I hope you know where Ontario is. I don’t read the paper or watch the news. I do watch a lot of American television, which we basically call television. I probably know more America than my own country. But I bet the average Yankee knows even less about Canada.  We got the best of both worlds. We have a lot of the same things but half of the world doesn’t hate us. I bet even Kim Jong likes us. Canadians, ha, what are they going to do, shoot hockey pucks at us? So here are some myths and truths about Canada.

We are just as proud as you are, but we don’t flaunt it. Part of our pride is that we aren’t so patriotic. You rarely see any homes with flags. I don’t know who originally designed our flag. I would have put on a dragon or something on it instead of a leaf. But we have come to love our symbol. Our mascot is a lovable beaver and not some bird with male pattern baldness.

I hear you guys making fun of our money. Calling it monopoly money. Well imagine playing monopoly with only green bills. How fun would that be? It’s so easy, a five dollar bill is blue, a ten is purple, a twenty is green – you get the idea. I don’t like searching through a wallet full of one dollar bills for a twenty. And I don’t like ordering pizza and accidentally tipping the driver a twenty when I’m all drunk. And I have come to like our loonies and toonies. Much easier to use at vending machines than a tattered bill.

Our weather can be cold but we don’t live in igloos. About 90% of our population is near the border. In fact Sarnia is near the tip of Ontario and southern to some of the States, like New York. I have heard of idiots wearing winter jackets in the middle of July when they visit Canada. Our country is bigger than the States but a large chunk of it very cold and depressing and pretty uninhabitable.

The metric system. I know people are resistant to change but changing to the metric system would make things entirely easier. Measurements go by tens or decimals. So ten millimeters would equal one centimeter and a hundred cm would equal one meter and a 1000 meters would equal a kilometer. Get it. But I’m sure all of those football fans would never approve of it. Our temperature goes by Celsius. Zero would be freezing temperature, 25 C would be a nice day and 100 C would be boiling point. Much easier for scientists. I use pounds for my body weight but grams for weighing my weed. So 3.5 grams of weed would be a half quarter, each gram would be about ten bucks and half of a gram would be an average joint

We are bilingual. But that’s to keep Quebec happy. The only French words I know is Je ne parle pas Francis. Very annoying, all of our products, like cereal, have both translations. For instance I have a Zelda manual in French. But the game is only in English so what’s the point? What a waste of paper.

Funny story I rented South Park the Movie and watched it in the French version. Wow they butchered it. The guy who does Cartman’s voice tries too hard and sounds like an idiot. It’s funny I was at a party and pretty burnt. They were playing rap music while I watched South Park and it looked like the characters were singing the rap songs. Try it. And I love it when South Park makes fun of us. No we don’t have flapping heads.

We definitely use the word eh all of the time. It’s part of my vocabulary, eh. I never heard anyone say aboot before. I think that’s a Newfy thing. I live by the border of Michigan and wow, separated by just a river, there is a huge difference. Like people saying hackey. And some of our spellings are slightly different. For example I would spell favorite favourite or color colour with the extra u. And my damn word program keeps saying I spelt it wrong.

Food. Once again we get best of both worlds. We have Mc Donald’s and Burger King but we also have Harvey’s where you pick the toppings you like. And they actually barbeque it and not put under some lamp. We have ketchup chips. I have no idea why you don’t have that. We have milk bags instead of milk cartons and many more little things.

We have Mounties but I have no idea what they do. I’ve never seen one on horse patrolling the streets. Pot is not legal but it’s not illegal. And we don’t have hand guns like you. I’m a little divided about that. It’s not a good idea for the kids to have a gun lying around. But I think a grandma could use the protection. Either way I think the Constitution is a bit dated.

Our beer is of course better and stronger. That’s a fact. Kokanee or Molson Canadian our my favourites. But I do like that fact that you can buy beer really cheap, anytime and at any store. I’ve been on many beer runs over the boarder when the Beer Store is closed.

We have all of the same shows as you and more. So we get Golden Girls but also Kenny vs. Spenny, Trailer Park Boys and Kids in the Hall.  Same with music bands. Some of my favourite Canadian bands are Matthew Good Band, Rush, the Tragically Hip, Sum 41 and Our Lady Peace. To learn more, rent Canadian Bacon.

We can travel to Cuba. And we have become  to be known as snow birds. This is because so many of our retirees spend their Winters in Florida just like our annoying Canadian geese. And it’s always a good idea to have some sort of Canadian badge or something on your luggage or back pack... because everybody like us.