All About Cereal

I have always loved cereal since I was a kid. I would eat like five bowls of cereal and not gain an ounce. It was easy to prepare, just grab the milk, the cereal, a spoon and a bowl and there you have it.  

Some of my favorite 80s cereals growing up were All-stars, Mr. T and Pac Man.  I think they should bring them back. Mr. T was Captain Crunch in the shape of Ts. And Pac Man was like Lucky Charms with yellow balls and marshmallow ghosts instead. And I loved toys; as soon as I open the box I would stick my hand into the bottom and grab the toy. Yes, spy glasses!

Nobody likes to hear me eat cereal or anything. Because I make so much damn slurpy noise. I hate it when someone interrupts me and my cereal gets soggy. I always use like a half a bag of milk. Ever try water? And I sometimes spill all of the fucking cereal on the floor. Two minute rule. And despite the sang, I do cry over spill milk. They should bring back all of the classic commercials instead of period commercials.

I love Cheerios and it’s healthy. I know you have Buzz the Honey Nut Cheerio mascot or whatever the fuck he is, but where’s the normal Cheerios mascot? They should make Cheery the lovable seal that loves his Cheerios.

I hated those assholes kids that say Trix is for kids. For God’s sake please just give the poor bunny some Trix. He goes through all of this trouble disusing himself as a kid and these douche bags stash it for themselves. On the other side, the bunny could get a job and buy his own. But the cashier might ask if he is a kid. No sorry, Trix is for kids. You’re a rabbit go eat some carrots or how about trying Golden Grahams? And I’m a man. I’ll don’t give a shit what those brats say, I’m eating Twix.

Lucky Charms has always been my favorite. I love getting stoned and eating them. That’s part of the reason I gained like twenty pounds.  So I switched to Special K and exercised and lost like thirty pounds. And I mean Special K the drug; I’m not giving up me Lucky Charms. They always try to add new a new marshmallow like a pot of gold or a bloody rabbit’s foot. I use to grab all of the marshmallows right away.  They should just make it all marshmallows. And I think the leprechaun is just a bit paranoid. Calm down Lucky and put the gun away, nobody is after your Lucky Charms. Kids get their parents to buy it at the grocery store.

I love the Fruit Loops parrot Toucan Sam. If I had a parrot I would make him say how’s it going, awesome and fuck you. And now every value company is coming out with their brands. I guess they think they are fooling everyone by making Fruit Circles with a poorly drawn parrot on the box.

Kix is kid tested and mother approved. They did all sorts of testing with children. How about Carrot Cheerios. No. Okay how about Lucky Charms with only marshmallow. Yes. But wait your parents disapprover it because of the sugar. Hmm.

I look everywhere but I can never find Count Chocula in Canada. What happens if the chocolate vampire bites you? Do you become a vampire? Blah I will bite you and eat your cereal. Blah.

Rice Krispy is always a tasty and healthy cereal. I usually wait to hear them snap, crackle and pop. I love the elves as well. Their real names are Kevin, Bill and John but after they created Rice Krispies they changed them to the sound their cereal makes. I love Rice Krispy squares too. In fact I want some right now. Mom, make me some squares! Honey the View is on, maybe later. Fine.

I actually like Raisons so I like Raison Bran. I not sure what unit of measurement is two scoops but whatever. The only thing is that you should limit how much you eat each day or else. Remember California raisons? They should make a comeback tour. 

Sometimes I do gotta have my corn pops! Mom buy me some Corn Pops. After you eat the other cereals first. Damn! But mom, I’m tired of Life, you eat it.

I always eat Wheaties before the big game. In fact it had my picture on it for lawn darts regional champion. 

Frosted Flakes are ggggggggreat! Too bad he died that bbbbites. I love spelling words with my Alpha Bits. Except they look all the same and have too many Qs and not enough Ss. Just like the bear I can’t get enough of that Sugar Crisp. And I mean. Bring me more Sugar Crisp. Mickey likes it. He really likes it.  And of course the crazy bird Sonny that’s Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. And crack.