Hercules Hercules

Growing up I loved Greek Mythology. I consider Greek Mythology as plausible as Christianity. Some great movies were the Odyssey, Troy and Clash of the Titans. They should definitely make a new Hercules film or some other mythological movie.

I always wonder what Mount Olympia is like. The gods have one crazy family tree. It sounds like Mellrose Place with all of the messing around. I mean what else do they do up there? We mortals have Ultimate Fighting while they have to watch naked men wrestle each other. I guess there aren’t as many fish in Poseidon’s sea for gods and they have to resort to incest or banging nymphs

Zeus is the king of gods. He thinks he is a real lady god but he is also a male slut. I mean he screws around with anything with tits. Often times he disguises himself as deer or whatever and takes advantage of mortal women. He is a deadbeat god. He has all of these love children that he doesn’t even pay a cent for child support or alimony. Or even meet them and play a round of golf. Whenever he is pissed off he strikes lighting and ends many of soccer games.

Hera is the angry and jealous wife of Zeus. Being a bitch, I think she’s the goddess of the harpies and periods. Many of time she threatens divorcing Zeus and taking his temple and his chariot. Lesbians and feminist worship her.

Hades is the god of the dead. But he’s nothing like Satan or God. Everyone goes to the Underworld. He isn’t all that evil. But I’m sure it would be a little depressing not seeing the sun, flowers or puppies. Apparently those souls take a lot of vitamin D. I always wonder what happens if you don’t pay the boat man? Do you have to swim there? And I’m sure Cerberus has excellent smelling and wouldn’t let me smuggle in some weed.

Hermes is the messenger gods or what I call the Mail God. They don’t have phones on Mount Olympia so Hermes has to fly around with his Nike winged shoes. The gods get really pissed off when he delivers junk mail. Hermes my mailbox specifically said no flyers; I don’t give a shit about a sale on Togas at Greek Tire. I only want my Greek Garfield comic strips. Hermes hates the three headed dog Cerberus and so he never delivers mail to the Underworld unless Hades locks up the damn dog. And he’s very busy during Valentines Day because of that slut Aphrodite.

Poseidon is the god of the sea and earthquakes. His minions are fish and he smells like one too. So I guess he has a power complex and has to use his powers every so often because only seamen care about Poseidon. So he is a douche and sends out sea creatures like the Kraken or Godzilla. I wonder if they had the weather network back then? We have a nice day, reaching 80 degrees and just now there is a terrible tsunami heading our way that will destroy life as we know it. May Zeus have mercy on us all.

Aphrodite is the goddess of fucking. Maybe if she used Trojan condoms or gave them out to all of these gods they wouldn’t have so many damn children. If she is displeased with people she gives them herpes and hepatitis. The Greeks have built enormous statues of her, which was their porn back then. She would be really hard to please her. You’re doing it wrong.

Dionysus is the god of wine and getting completely shit faced. He is the reason how ugly people can have sex and many of those one night stands. And he’s to blame for all of that kinky and inbred shit going on up the mountain. All of the kids worship him in exchange for fake IDs. But if you anger him, he will give you bad hangovers.

Persephone is the goddess of vegetarians. She got tricked into getting knocked up by her own uncle Hades. Well Persephone and Hades had a custody battle and as a result their daughter Demeter has to stay in the underworld for half the year. So because of that pedophile we have winter. And there’s no god of winter.

Apollo is the god of the sun and beach volleyball. As a curse to humanity he created the hole in the ozone layer and skin cancer. So he is the reason for sunglasses and suntan lotion. He is also the god of lot of other shit like medicine and poetry. If anyone could give a shit about poetry. I mean they have a deity for everything. Like Snuffles the god of allergies.

Poor Icrubus went too close to the Sun and was the first sky diver. Hmm, but wait. I guess they didn’t realize the sun is billions of miles from Earth and that he’d suffocate or freeze or whatever long before being his wings catches fire and he plummets. Speaking of which, would he be the prototype for angels?

Athena is the goddess of wisdom and philosophy. She came out of Zeus head. Right. A cunning and strategic warrior she kicks ass at Star Craft. The only god who could challenge her is Gregerises the god of Nintendo and laziness.

Ares is the God of War and bloodshed and a mean motherfucker. He hates hippies and Green Peace. Loving slaughter he loves action flicks like 300, Saw and Snow Dogs. Of course Snow Dogs isn’t violent; he just loves those adorable Huskies.

Prometheus is the guy who apparently stole the fire from Olympia and gave it to mortals. A very nice gesture but Zeus is a spaz. Zeus punished poor Prometheus by having him bound to a rock while a fucking eagle eats his liver every day only to have it grow back to be eaten again the next day. I think Zeus was just a bit harsh on giving something so important to mankind. What the fuck did the Greeks do before fire? I mean cavemen had fire. How else are you going to make smores without fire?

Hercules is the Superman of Greek mythology. Hera that snake bitch made Hercules kill his own wife and kids. He had to complete the ten labors to redeem himself. Kevin Sorbo got the role of Hercules. I think I had a better body but the producers liked his long blonde hair. Then there was the spin off Xena which was very female empowerment. I wouldn’t mess with her and her boomerang thing. Of course how do you catch a fucking blade with your bare hands?

I like to worship more contemporary gods. Such as Mary Jane the goddess of marijuana and the munchies. She is the illegitimate child of Apollo who provides sun to her crop. I actually built a huge monument of her in my backyard. All the potheads worship her.

There is Faterises, the Burger God. He bestows the world with fast food and happy meals. He hates vegetarians and tofu. However he has terrible diabetes and high cholesterol. Often times he pays Hermes to bring back some Big Macs.

Then there is Gregerises the god of the unemployed and lazy. He plays video games all day and lives in Zeus’s temple basement. He doesn’t like walking around so he took Pegasus from his half brother Hercules. Pegasus is the only way to travel. And who could forget Joan Rivers? I mean Medusa.