God Hates Me

I realize I’m an atheist but sometimes I think God hates me. Why do I have to be me? My life is a big joke. I have nothing to contribute to society. Unless having a level 70 night elf hunter is an accomplishment.

What did you want to be when you grow up? The kindergarten teacher asked us and I wanted to be a robber. Yes that’s right; I thought it would be fun to be a robber.

I still use the term when I grow up. And I’m 29. Where do I see myself in ten years? Would I still be living in my parent’s basement and writing how much my life sucks?

The funny thing is that I know people way smarter than me still working at McDonalds. Sure it’s fine working as a student and keeping all of your earnings. But when you are just making it by with your minimum wage and all you have is a plaque saying employee of the month you know your life sucks. 

Speaking of which I noticed they haven’t changed the employee of the month for over a year now. Maybe she has been picked every month. I don’t know how you get selected? Do you make a killer Big Mac or make the perfect ice cream or smile a lot? The only up side is that you get employee discounts. I would be eating even more Big Macs if I’d work there.

And yet I’m too dumb to work at McDonalds. I would definitely screw up the orders or charge too much or whatever. I bet I would have to sweep the floors and clean the bathrooms or any chore normally designated for the mentally challenged person. He doesn’t have down syndrome but he has something.

And still I see people who have power and money that shouldn’t have either. Take former president Bush for instance. The idiot puppet whose strings got tangled up a long time ago. I’ve seen a poster of him with like twenty dumb things he said. He can barely talk or open a door. I will paraphrase what Bill Maher said; do you really want the person running this country who believes in talking snakes?

Remember the “popular” kids in high school? Our popular kids were super preppy but they weren’t as cool as soon as they hit college. That is if they graduated. I remember them talking about marijuana as if it this mystical and crazy thing. Last month the gang all tried a puff, it was insane! Then once you graduate (or drop out) weed isn’t as cool suddenly.  Like you wouldn’t want to say you’re a pothead on your first date. I do love to see now. Such as spotting them working at car wash. You don’t see them with all the ladies now.

The problem is what I’m good at? I think I should use my mind and come up with something new or different. I’m creative, but it will be pretty much a pipe dream that I will cling on till I die. And I would die of something stupid like choking on KFC or getting food poisoning by KFC.

I said this before but I get really into these fantasies of having the perfect life; or even an okay life. One fantasy is being the ultimate rock star. Our name would be UCB, the Ultimate Cover Band. I would have all of the best songs, especially one hit wonders. I would steal a lot of Blink 182 and Billy Talent songs like Dammit and Try Honesty. I would get all of the groupies if they have been tested for STDs. I would spend my money on everything like a pony or metal legs. And most importantly, make my dad proud.

Then once again reality kicks in and I’m living in my parent’s basement with a $50 allowance that I spend on beer and video games and writing how sad my life is.