Merman! Cough. Merman.

So I went for my morning walk to get stoned and grab a coffee. I decided to check out Goodwill and bought all of these VHS movies for a buck each. Some worked like Revenge of the Nerds, some were choppy like Clockwork Orange. Anyway being stoned I thought it’d be fun to watch all of the Disney movies. So I went for my evening walk to get stoned and watched the Little Mermaid. Yes the little Mermaid. A grown adult renting a little girl movie. I’ve seen a long time ago but remember nothing except she traded her voice to this disgusting octopus lady for legs.

I would never want to be a merman. My favorite things to do are play hockey, smoke weed, drink beer, watch televisions and eat Big Macs. How can you do these activities in water? You can’t skate without legs. You can’t light a dooby under water or drink a beer. The Big Macs would get soggy. And I don’t know what kind of reception or power you get in the deep ocean. What would you do all day? Play marco polo and not getting eaten by sharks. And Titan clearly has no family jewels.

Once again in Disney fashion you have animals that talk and animals that can’t. For example you got Mickey, a mouse, who owns a pet dog. Does that sound weird? And if you seen the movie Stand By Me you wonder what the hell is Goofy? So everyone talks except the dog, the shark or any fish that they eat. Yet you have Flounder and a crab that look quite tasty. I mean what do you eat under the sea? Fish burgers?

So Ariel saves Prince Eric from drowning after his ship sinks. They instantly fall in love at first sight. You know, maybe they should get to know each other before they get too serious. But no it’s a Disney movie and she’s a princess and he is a prince. One scene was with her plucking flowers and does the whole he loves me or loves me not. Which is really stupid because any odd number is that he loves her? So she’s down to two petals and is oh he loves me not oh poo and oh he does love me.

How awkward would it be for Eric to meet his father in law under water? So I plan on moving out to my own castle and maybe focus on philamprothy. I really want to dig wells for third world nations And I play in a competitive soccer league. I guess you never heard of it. And so tell me what’s it like being a half fish?

Ursula has to be the most vile and ugly villain. She is way evil even by Disney standards. She had these creepy worm things that are trapped souls. I didn’t get it, but that’s messed up. So octopus lady wants her voice. But she’s a sorcerer and can do anything. Ursula can clearly turn into hot human chick. The best part is when Ursula tricks the prince into marrying her and the priest gets a boner. Maybe is Ursula didn’t chew so much tobacco she wouldn’t sound so horrible. Speaking of which, can you tell how hot a chick is by her voice?

So Ariel trades her heavenly voice to that Ursula for legs. I would too.

But she has to kiss him in three days. I think Ursula should have made her get to third base with the dude. If he doesn’t cum all over your chest by the third day you’re mine.

Seb the crab is just like Zazu in the Lion King. He is asked by the king to follow Ariel. Like all of the classic animated movies there is a lot singing. He tries to persuade her how awesome it is under water with the catchy song under the sea. However he is almost cooked by that huge stereotype the French chef.

I love the retarded seagull Scuttle despite my hatred of seagulls. They are loud and annoying. Scuttle is a pest when you are trying to eat fries. His stomach is seeping with vinegar and if he took some Alka-Seltzer he’d explode. Notice in Finding Nemo that there is also a retarded seagull. Scuttle is always naming things to the loot Ariel brings him. This pointy thing is a thingamajig and this rubber thing with white residue is a condom.