The Eleven Commandments.

I just watched the Ten Commandments last night. It’s great for such an old movie. I normally don’t watch movies before the 80s. Except classics like the God Father. Holy shit is it long; it actually has intermission for all of those smokers, chicks with small bladders and hungry fat people.

As an atheist I love all of those cheesiest lines by Charlton Heston.  It would take more than a man to lead the slaves from bondage. It would take a god. Or without God I am nothing. I am the tool by which he works his will. Or are you a master builder or a master butcher?  It’s a good drinking movie, every time Moses says let my people go, you have to take a drink.

So Moses was a prince of Egypt. I would love to be Pharaoh. I would assemble an army of slaves and built monuments like a giant statue of me riding a unicorn. But with all of his wealth and power Moses suddenly gives it up because he finds out he is Hebrew and becomes a simple Shepard. He was more useful as prince and could have helped out his fellow Jews. What I don’t get is how it’s not okay for Egyptians to have slaves, yet in the bible the Jews had their own slaves. And it’s a bald person’s dream to be Egyptian.

So Moses is banished and almost dies until these horny bictches come to rescue him. They’re all like it’s a man! So he gets to choose one of these sluts. I don’t like discrimination so I’d choose them all. So he eventually drops some LSD and has a good conversation with a flaming bush. Right. So he is chosen by God to free his people. The pharaoh won’t budge and Moses has to resort to unleashing these seven plagues. I don’t know what turning the water into blood solved. Think of all the fish and wildlife that would die as a result. Green peace would have a fit. And um so the Egyptians go thirsty, but what about the Jews?

With all of these powers, why doesn’t Moses just kill Ramses? Or at least give him herpes. I hated the plague that killed every first born child of Egypt. I mean look at the poor kid. He’s like six and doesn’t know what’s right or wrong. So the Pharaoh caves in and Moses can finally stop saying let my people go. Then Ramses changes his mind. And then there is the parting of the ocean. But the ground wasn’t muddy and there were no sign of fish or vegetation. And so Ramses soldiers get killed for following orders.

Moses decides to go for a hike and gets these Ten Commandments. There were actually fifteen but he dropped a tablet. Editor’s note: I stole that joke from a movie. So everyone just goes crazy and have an awesome party. They actually built a golden calf for some reason. So Moses returns and is pissed off. He reads the Commandments and says thou shall not kill. Then he kills a bunch of people. So they wandered the desert for forty years because someone dropped a quarter. I’m only joking.

I think that Moses should have written the commandments on a scroll or something. I mean he can barely fit them on a tablet. So he keeps it short and ambiguous. And if something is not on the tablets does that mean its okay? Here they are the Ten Commandments.

Commandment 1:  Thou shalt have no other gods before me. Okay, I guess I can’t worship Krishna or else I will be killed. Fine, I guess the Lord is a bit jealous.

Commandment 2:  Thou shalt not make into thee any graven image. Here he goes again, being all jealous. This law doesn’t even have any relevance today. I’ve never seen anyone building a golden grizzly bear. Uh oh and my dad has a Buddha statute

Commandment 3:  Thou shalt not take the name of thou Lord, thy God in vain. God damn, holy Jesus Christ this guy is in secure.

Commandment 4:  Remember the Sabbath day to keep it holy. Nice try God, I’m still going to cut the grass and go shopping on Sunday.

Commandment 5:  Honor thy father and thy mother. Finally one commandment that makes sense. You should be respectful to your parents. But I’m not going to listen to my mom when she says no beer on weekdays.

Commandment 6:  Though shalt not kill. Is that it? Don’t kill. I think we need more of explanation. Like can we kill puppies? And what about self defense. I mean you have all of these religious people who still kill like Bush sending troops to kill Sadam Hussein. Or religious nuts that fucking bomb abortion clinics.

Commandment 7:  Thou shalt not commit adultery. You can only cheat in Vegas or get a blow job.

Commandment 8:  Thou shalt not steal. What about a father who can’t afford medication for his sick and dying child. And everybody steals grapes at the grocery store.

Commandment 9:  Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor. Don’t lie or say someone has herpes. Check.

Commandment 10: That shalt not covet. I’m not sure what that means exactly but what’s wrong with craving something you don’t have. Is it evil that I crave for an own helicopter and Jennifer Love Hewitt?

I think the Ten Commandments are just slightly outdated. I mean you have all of these laws about not hurting God’s feelings. How about thy shalt not get drunk and drive. Or thy shalt not abduct and molest they neighbor’s child. Homosexuality is a huge thing. I’m pretty sure that if God hates fags like many rednecks believe than I think he would a commandment about it. Thy shalt not stick thy boner in they neighbors ass. But neither God or Jesus even mention it. So I guess its okay to be gay.