Super Mario Brathas

I love Super Mario video games. I’ve heard he is more recognizable to kids than even Mickey Mouse. Then they made a movie. A terrible movie. So it all started off with Donkey Kong. Basically the ape takes some hot chick hostage and throws barrels at Mario. The thing is you save her but you go to the next level and have to save her all over again and jump over more barrels. Then came Mario Bros. Mario is now an Italian plumber who supposedly works in the sewers of New York. And this gave birth to the pipes and POW blocks. Which is kind of confusing. I thought POW stands for prisoner of war.

Then the NES came out with the game Super Mario Bros. This means that Mario’s name is Mario Mario and his loser brother Luigi Mario. What the fuck were Mario’s parents thinking when the named him Mario Mario? And putting an M on his shirt is something a child would do. Where is Mario’s wrench or plunger anyway? And wearing white gloves isn’t the greatest idea when cleaning shit.

The first Super Mario Bros was a huge success and Mario became Nintendo’s mascot. So you have to save some princess and you have to get from the beginning to the end of a stage. Too bad that he can’t go backwards. Do you know how annoying that would be? Each time you beat the level you think you’re saving the princess and getting some poontang. But no, it’s some kind of talking mushroom chick. They usually give Mario a blow job after he saves them.

For some reason Mario likes to jump on things. He can break these floating bricks that sometimes give him items. I think he would severally injure his hand after hitting so many damn floating bricks. I punched a brick with my hand and it was in severe pain and nothing came out of it. If you eat shrooms you magically grow in size. The last time I ate shrooms I totally freaked out. You can also get flowers that can shoot out these balls of fire. I wish I could grow these flowers and shoot fire at geese.

He also likes jumping on enemies like turtles or these fucked up things called goombas. But you can’t jump on those spike thingies. There are a lot of other recurring enemies like cloud guys that throw spike thingies at Mario or shell creatures that you can kick. Then there are those Venice fly traps that live in pipes. If you are playing two players then the second player is Luigi. But the next player must wait till the other player dies. But don’t worry, like the Hindu you have many lives. And if you collect 100 coins than you get another life or a cool pair of Nike shoes.

Super Mario 2 was actually a remake of a game that developers thought would do better with Mario starring in it. That’s why the game seems really weird and psychedelic with all of these doors and crazy enemies. Very fun to play. Especially on weeed. I mean you pluck vegetables and throw them at bad guys. I love those shy guys, they’re so cute. I like choosing your characters. Finally Peach is a playable character and not some useless ditz. And Luigi isn’t a second fiddle anymore. I always use Toad, he’s the fastest. Very challenging game, it’s all about winning the slot machines for more lives. So you beat the end boss with onions and asparagus and find out it was all a dream. That’s so lame. It’s like watching Scarface and after being shot a million times he wakes up and oh I was all a dream. I never had such a vivid dream that lasts five hours. And it’s only Mario’s dream. If I picked Toad than it should be Toad’s dream. And what are the names of the other mushroom people, or are they all called Toad?

Super Mario 3 must be one of the most successful games ever. Once again the princess is captured by Bowser. Where the fuck are the guards? Every time Mario looks away and cleans some toilets he has to save the princess all over again. But why does Bowser keep capturing her? Does he want ransom or something? Does he send King Toadstool a bloody finger?

This time around you can get better items. You can get leaves that turn you into flying raccoons. Hmm right. They should have made a pot leaf power up where you can fly and blow smoke rings at turtles. You can get a flame thrower again, frog suite and my favorite hammer head suite. The best level is the one where you can wear this giant sock and walk on things. You can get those matching card games but I have no memory. Dammit I thought it was star! I fucking hate this game!

Remember the movie the Wizard? I think the wizard or Jimmy was some kind savant like Rain Man that was awesome at Nintendo. And there was some side plot about his dead sister or something. And it stars the star of the Wonder Years: Fred Savage. So his friends totally take advantage of him. Hey retard what did I say; you can only have a Big Mac combo after you beat Ninja Turtles. And who could forget the guy with the Power Glove! It’s so badass. Funny I bought the glove at a flea market and it’s completely useless. It’s doesn’t even work with Punch Out. Anyway the end is a show down and preview of the greatest game Super Mario 3. And how did he find the flute? I guess everyone knows. Do people even keep score? Hey I just broke my record with 1499893 points. See if you can do it bitch.

Super Mario World was an awesome game too. I love Yoshi. He can eat pretty much anything. But how healthy is that anyway? He definitely needs Tums. He also takes colored dumps. What happens if Yoshi chokes on a turtle shell? No, that’s the fourth Yoshi that has died on me. Too bad Yoshi is a wuss and won’t fight in haunted houses and or castles. The best part is that you can save your progress and replay levels. And not have to keep playing the same damn levels each time you play. It’s probably the easiest Mario game by far. Why isn’t there a bullet bill gun that Mario can use and just blow enemies away?

There are a slew of other Mario games that feature him and the casts. Dr. Mario is an awesome game where you can play against other people. Where did the plumber have so much time and money to go to college and become a doctor? I mean he’s cleaning urinals and jumping on things. Does he even have a license? What I don’t know is what kind of pills is Dr. Mario throwing at his patient? Doe the person have cancer and Mario is tossing Oxycontins at the patient? 

The Mario Kart games are my favorite games. Remember the Super Nintendo one? It was so much fun at the time. Mario Kart 64 is still my all time favorite game. I love Toad and I love Koopa Beach. It’s actually a nude beach and you see koopas tanning shelless. Then Mario Kart Double Dash came out. I never really liked it. I also didn’t care for Mario Sunshine either.

Mario Tennis is awesome too. I remember skipping class just to play it. My favorite character this time was the flying turtle. I don’t know if they already made it but Mario Tennis would be awesome for the Wii where you use a tennis racket. I think a Mario Hockey is due, that would be fun with all of the weapons and shit. Mario Party is loads of fun but they’re hard to find now a days

Mario Super Strikers is one of the only reasons to own a Game Cube. What an awesome game. I like the bear traps the best. But what a disappointment of a video system. The controller was shitty and all of Nintendo’s flagship games were nowhere as fun as on the Nintendo 64. And they made Luigi’s Mansion. It’s too scary for me, I refuse to play it. They definitely should make Mario Lawn Darts or Mario Euchre.