The Amazing Spiderman

So they’re making an entirely new Spiderman movie called the Amazing Spiderman. Sweet because Spiderman is my favorite comic book hero. He doesn’t have the greatest powers like Ironman or Superman but they’re totally cool. He can climb buildings or swing across them. He can shoot out webs to catch or blind criminals. Or glue a broken chair. His spider sense is always tingling when in danger. I wonder if it goes off accidentally. Some kid might sneak up on him to get an autograph and he turns around and punches the kid in the face.

I love his suit, or spandexes. How did he make his own suit? Is being a tailor one of his powers? Because he would have to jeopardize his identity with a tailor. And the villains might take the poor tailor hostage. I wouldn’t want to be affiliated with Peter Parker or Spiderman. His girlfriends are always in constant danger and poor Aunt May is going to have a stroke any time now.

I also wonder how any heroes or villains get their suits? Is there a sale at K-Mart or do they use the same guy. I heard this guy does great costumes. He just finished doing Wolverine’s. Spiderman better use Tide because you don’t want you suit to lose its colors. And you want to use cold water so it doesn’t shrink.

I know Peter Parker works at the Daily Bugle or People. They never show his camera because his costume doesn’t have pockets. I guess he must use a small Iphone. So he takes pictures of himself in action. Which I don’t get. Does he leave his camera on the streets and set it to go off in a minute? He might as well join the paparazzi to earn some more bucks. He could easily follow them and get great angles on celebrities. And maybe afford to put Aunt May in a nice retirement community.

Doctor Octopus is also my favorite villain. I don’t know if it would be cool to have these metal arms. Sure you could do a lot of multitasking and you wouldn’t have to use your legs any more. But how would you take a shower? His arms must be stainless steel; you don’t want to get them rusty. And how you fit inside a car or plane. Or even sleep with those fucking things sticking out your back?

The Green Goblin is Spiderman’s arch nemeses. He’s got a cool glider and throws pumpkins at people. He originally wanted to be the Blue Goblin but he didn’t want to look too alike Spiderman. He is rich too. If I was him I’d assemble a massive army of Goblins. Each with their own colors. Pink is left for the female Goblins because he wanted to have equal opportunity and how many female villains are there?

Mysterio is the dude that looks like an astronaut or a dude with a fish bowl head. He is a want to be film maker and stunt devil. He lost millions on making Water World. I think he should have given up on being evil and team up with Spiderman to do a film and give back to the community.

Lizard is the like the Hulk for Dr. Connors. He lost his arm, maybe by sticking his hand under a lawn mower, I don’t know. He could no longer play Mario Brothers with one arm and decides splice lizard DNA and become some alligator thing. Not a good idea. He wanted to take down the Crocodile Hunter but lost his chance to a sting ray.

Kraven the Hunter always wants to get the biggest predator there is; Spiderman. But normally he likes shooting deer or just killing them with his own bare arms. He says they will starve to death. But PETA is always after him. He also killed a lion which made an awesome costume.

The King Pin is a crime boss and head of a syndicated mob. And he’s huge. He gets pissed off with Spiderman and he likes saying Spiderman! And he throws a priceless vase against the wall. He should just assemble all the villains to kill the spider.  And he can steel contraband and sell counterfeit Snow Dogs movies.

Electro got his powers; you guessed it, by being struck by lightning. He should have stayed in his car and waited for help. So he has the powers of electricity. I think he should use them for good. I mean what happens if New York loses electricity? People would have to throw out their food from the fridge. I would lose all of my Hungry Man dinners. Or he could start a car battery.

Spiderman wouldn’t do as well in Sarnia. First off there isn’t much crime, unless you live on Kathleen. I suppose he would work at the Observer and sells photos of Spiderman or geese. He would have to do a lot of walking or driving because we have only a few buildings. He can be perched on the Kenwick building but with no other buildings he has to take the cab across town. What’s this? Some teenagers smoking pot, this looks like a job for Spider Man. Dammit I left my web shots at home. Better call crime stoppers.