Thunderdome

I was watching Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome with Irving last night.  I must have seen the trilogy a billion and twenty six times as a kid. The trilogy begins with Mad Max starring the young and handsome Mel Gibson. This was his breakout role.

Mel also stars in one of my all time favorites Brave Heart. And the Lethal Weapons kick ass too. That’s pretty much it unless you actually seen or enjoyed the rest like What Women Want or Conspiracy Theory.

I’m not saying that hearing what women are thinking is a bad concept but it could have been done better. But it was a chick flick. I would love a scene where he goes to a bar and knows if chicks are into him or find him repulsive. One chick could be thinking of all of this nasty shit she wants to do with him. Boner time. Now imagine What Man Want? That would be hilarious. Imagine all of the men thinking the chick has a nice rack or tight ass. Yeah, I want to come all over your eyes slut.

I saw Conspiracy Theory but I can’t remember a damn thing except that the guy is paranoid as fuck. One time I did shrooms I was paranoid as fuck too and thought the television was making fun of me. I have several of my own theories like how everyone else is some kind of robot and I’m the only real human left. Or that people are putting something in my drinking water and I’m slowly going insane.

Then Mel made a series of bad movies that other people have enjoyed. Take the Passion. South Park made an episode of it and nailed it. It was a gore fest. I mean he would die of blood loss before he even came close to the cross. I rather be crucified than get beaten by this terrible whip with hooks. But people found it moving and powerful. Have you seen Spartacus? There were thousands of people that have gotten crucified or worse. A side note, my friend JP informs me that Jebus must have had the nails sticking in his wrists because his hands wouldn’t hold.

I rented Apocalypto thinking it would be a cool movie. I have never seen a Mayan or Aztec movie before. I don’t know much about that civilization except they played dogeball to the death with a human head. The problem was that it wasn’t even in English. The whole movie was in subtext. I don’t know if it was gibberish or if some poor fellow actually made a language.

Back to Mad Max. The first one takes place in a lawless Australia. Max who is a former cop, finds out that his family gets brutally killed by renegades. I haven’t seen it in ages and wish I could buy it somewhere. It was a cool movie, lots of car chases and shit. It was made in 1979 and beat Saw to the punch. At the end Max chains a guy’s leg to a truck that will explode in twenty minutes and gives him a saw. If he wants to live then he would have to cut off his leg. Hmm, I think I would rather be blown up.

The Road Warrior came out two years later and it is a post-apocalyptic world. I find it the best car chase movie to come out. Better than the Bond car chases. He is a lone warrior with a dog and probably very lonely and in the need of some good poontang. He makes his way to this peaceful camp. It’s an oil refinery and there are these renegades who want it. Just like Iraq. The renegade leader looks just like Jason (horror movie) and is bad ass. We want the oil, just leave. Everyone wears hockey equipment as if does any good against bullets and fire. My favorite part is in the end while the bad guys are chasing Max and all of the oil in this truck. I won’t spoil the end. Fuck it, he gets away and the truck was empty.

Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome is one of those 80s movie that you must see before you die. It’s got Tina Turner baby! My mom loves Tina and I made a CD for her. Well, I was listening to it and sort of dancing when my brother and his friends came by. Embarrassing. However We Don’t Need Another Hero is an awesome song,

So once again Max is mad. Some douche steals his camels and car and he wants them back. He has a pet monkey this time and it leaves a trail of items to Barter Town. When he makes his entrance he has to leave a ton of weapons. It’s funny but completely impractical. Do you realize how many weapons he has?  He wouldn’t be able to carry them all. Who needs four knives anyway? The town’s electricity is powered by pig shit. And the foreman is a midget riding some huge guy with a helmet. Haha, a midget riding a giant. Together they are called Master Blaster. So Tina might be the mayor but who runs Barter Town? Master Blaster.

Anyway Tina wants Max to kill the muscle and keep the brain in exchange for his car and camels. So where do they fight? Thunderdome baby! Two men enter. One man leaves. This is the coolest fight scene ever. Its like one giant monkey bars loaded with weapons. So Max takes down Blaster and finds out his is mentally disabled. To me this is one of the saddest parts in all movie history.

So he breaks a deal and must face the wheel. Which is like Wheel of Fortune except all of the slices are terrible and there is no free turn card. He gets gulage whatever that means and is banished into the dessert with this huge mask thingy riding a poor horse. Why? I think they should have shot him and saved the horse. So these kids rescue him and take him back to what I call a tropical paradise. This is what I don’t get. You see people roaming this barren dessert while these kids have their own private resort with water, food and shelter. They have it all. And yet they mistake Max as some pilot and want him to take them somewhere on this plane that will never fly because they’re kids and kids are stupid. But what a good movie! They should definitely make another one without Mel.