The Guinness Book of World Records.

I’m not much of a competitive person. I never get mad if I lose a hockey game or that a girl can throw farther than me. Unless it involves money.  I do love the poker though. Competition is good is some ways such as the NHL or who can toss the dwarf the farthest. And most people want to be famous; whether they are a movie star or athlete. And some people are so desperate for ether one.  That’s where the Guinness Book of World Records comes in.

Some records are honored such as the fastest person or the first person on the moon or even the fattest man not to leave his bed. The thing is that these record holders don’t even try to get in the Guinness Book for the sake of being in a book. They are either famous already or strive to accomplish something great without such petty recognition.

It’s sad when people try so damn hard to be in the Book of Records. I mean people devote their lives to get into a book nobody really gives a shit about. A book with your name and maybe a picture. It’s almost like your high school yearbook. It’s nice to see your own picture and signatures every once in a while but nobody else really gives a shit.

Record holders are a mix of feats, extraordinary people, oddities and people who try too hard. What I mean by feats is something like who can set themselves on fire the longest or hold the record for having the highest blood alcohol level while driving a school bus. Extraordinary people are like the strongest man with steroids. Oddities are like freaks such as the guy who has the most tattoos, longest nails or smelliest body odor. And people who try too damn hard are nothing but losers.

Some records are so very sad. I remember watching this guy on television who made a gigantic a ball out of elastics bands. It became an obsession and it took him around five years to make. So when he finished they wanted to see what would happen if they dropped it out of an airplane. It just disintegrated. He wasted five years of his life for all of this. What sadder is the guy is trying to outdo him.

There seems to be a record for anything. For example there is the guy who can eat the most hot dogs in a minute. But what about the guy who can eat the most sausages in two minutes? They should have regulations such as who can eat the most pork products in five minutes, period.

There are even some records nobody will ever try beat because they are so silly like person who can say the rosary the most or chew gum the longest. Or even the person who watched the movie the Snow Dogs the most. I think I should hold the record for the laziest person ever. That could be me except I’m too lazy to even bother getting a hold of the good people at Guinness Book of World Records.

There are a lot records for extreme sports such as base jumping. I don’t think people should promote such reckless behavior. There are records for dare devils who risk their lives and narrowly cheat death just to hold a record. I don’t think the good people at Guinness hold records for people who died trying to beat a record.

There are even records for no apparent reason like pulling a truck with your nose. Who the fuck thought of doing this in the first place? Hey man I dare you to pull that ice cream truck with my ears?

There are the pity records for disabled or handicap people. Like the first blind man to drive a car or the first deaf person to sing the National Anthem. Or even the highest SAT score for a retard.  

Even Sarnia used to be in there as the kissing capital of the world because a couple of thousands’ couples had nothing better to do. But we were eventually outdone and Sarnia is left being known only for the Chemical Valley and highest asthma rates in Canada. Coincidence?

There is actually a man who got the record for most records. Anyway I’m striving to be the oldest person to live in their parent’s basement. Or the record for the person who consumed the most coffee in one year. And even the first person to eat the most Big Macs and have the most heart attacks without dying. So keep your fingers crossed.