Goonies Never Say Die

So I was kicking Horde ass in the wonderful World of Warcraft and decided to watch the Goonies on my portable DVD player while I played. What an awesome movie! Me and my brother and the neighborhood kids would watch it all of the time on our Betamax. It was made by Steven Spielberg, one of my favorite movie makers. I never cared much for E.T. but I loved Jurassic Park, A.I. and Indiana Jones among others.

The plot is that these kids, who live on the Goondocks, find a map and go for one last crazy adventure to find One Eyed Willies treasures. There are some douche rich people who are buying everyone’s homes to make way for a golf course. And unless the Goonies find a way to pay for their homes they will have to leave. Which isn’t good.

Now I have a problem of reading way to much into a movie and it’s easy to be a critic. But I have some issues. I never knew you could just buy out someone’s home. If one person didn’t want to lose their homes then you can’t just kick them out. This isn’t India. So they would end of making a nice profit and buy an even better house down the road and maybe get a three year golf membership too.

So they’re moving out of the house because of the gold course. Where is the moving truck anyway? I never noticed it. Why did they wait till the last second when moving? Are they just going to throw away their furniture and valuables? They could have at least had a garage sale or donate stuff to the Goodwill. And so Data mentions that his family might move to Detroit. Great choice. Why don’t they move down the block? I don’t know.

I love all of the characters, especially Chuck. He he’s the best. You guys, I'm hungry. I know when my stomach growls there's trouble. He’s played by Jeff Cohen and I saw a picture of him in IMDB and wow he’s skinny and not bad looking, nothing like the fat kid he played.

I love the truffle shuffle Chuck must do to get into Rudy’s home. What I don’t get is the whole mousetrap contraption that opens a door. Cool but necessarily. How did everyone else get inside? Did they hop the fence? Data had to use that zip line to get inside.

Mouth has the best lines. I mean his name is Mouth. So he speaks Spanish to the moving lady and tells her where they keep the drugs or where Rudy’s father keeps his sex torture toys. I didn’t understand any of this as a kid.

Data is awesome too. I love his gadgets and his poor English. I really like his whole punch glove thing that pops out of his chest. How does he fit the glove in his chest? I don’t know. He is like Inspector Gadget only Chinese and not a complete retard. .I think it would be much easier to carry some mace. What other gadgets does he have? Who knows? I think he has a ray gun that steals people’s souls. But that’s just me.

I wonder how they did Sloth’s make up. Nice name. Or is he actually a mutant freak like Rosie Odonnell. His eyes are completely messed up. I think everybody’s favorite line is Hey You Guys! There are a lot of hidden advertisements, such as Sloth saying Baby Ruth. Data is wearing Nike shoes. You see Pepsi drinks at couple of times and Chuck saying Dominoes, my favorite.

So the gang makes it past all of these booty traps, come across Chester Copperpot. Who hardly made it anywhere. They later find themselves underneath some pipes. Pipes that someone must have built years ago. Then they make it to a wishing well, that they could have just used and bypass all of these booby traps. A well that someone has dug up years ago.

So they go through all of these passage ways and obstacles while being chased by the Fratellis. They finally go down these slides which looks really fun and make it to the Ship. I have never seen a skull or skeleton in real life but the idea looks scary to me. But I think after seeing a dozen skeletons you’d get use to it. Like a mortician. So they loaded up with riches until the Fratellis catch up and demand they let go all of their riches. I realize they’re evil but why not just let the Goonies go with what they can carry and get busy grabbing all of rest of this treasure.

So the cave magically breaks open because the bad guys set off a trap. Everyone goes through all of this trouble and booby traps to find out the whole ship was hidden inside a cave with a narrow outer wall the whole time. So the cleaning lady found a sack of rubies, worth enough to pay off the golf course owner douche bags. And then the ship with millions of treasures just sails away. And everyone sees it and just sit there cheering. I don’t know about you but I think I would not just sit and watch the ship worth millions sail away without getting the biggest boat I could find and claming all of the riches.

By the way there are like a 50 goofs, mistakes and continuity errors on IMDB. They are real funny and I had never noticed any of them until I watched it over again. I like the one where at the end of the movie the falling rocks float on the water. Or when they are jumping off the ship Data jumps twice. And Mickey accidentally calls Brandon by his real name Josh.