Geneses and the Bible

As you already know I’m a huge atheist. But I too use to believe in God and everything that came with it. In fact when I was a kid I was hardcore. I prayed every night and followed these stupid rules like no shopping on Sundays. As I got older I hated church just because it was so boring. Around sixth grade I started questioning the bible. And at grade eight I was an atheist. But I was forced to go to Confirmation. No worries I couldn’t give a shit if I was to receive the Holy Spirit and become an adult Christian. I actually had to have an hour long debate with my mom saying I don’t believe in God.

I have mixed feelings about religion. I could care less about the average Christian. I find them funny if anything. They’re good people and lead good lives. Which is great? Then are evangelists. I hate them. I’m not even sure that the priests or whatever you call them know they’re complete bullshit. Either way they’re greedy and give false hope. Then they force their children to believing this mess because they are so easily manipulated and molded at any early age. Watch the movie Jesus Camp if you don’t believe me.

But then there are lunatics who blow themselves up in the name of Allah. They actually believe they are doing good killing innocent people. People who might be their own nephew. Are the people that got killed and maimed evil then? With religion you can get people to do pretty much anything. Such as promise 72 hookers and a new Camry. Where did they come up with that number? I don’t know.

It’s funny but I think hardly any religious people have actually read the bible. Do they get the gist? The bible is like your manual to heaven. I think something as important as life itself and your whole faith might make you at least skim through the pages. The problem is that they should edit all of this fucking useless information and just get to the point. Or at least make the Coles notes on the Bible or Christians for Dummies.

Any who I wanted to talk about Geneses but I got way sidetracked. It’s just that once I start writing stuff, such as religion, I have way too much to say. Sega Geneses is the first and my favorite part of the bible.

The very first chapter is the creation story. Where the dude upstairs creates the world in six day and watched some football on Sunday. He creates the animals on day five. And the next day he created man. Remember this. Why did it take six days I don’t know? He creates like a million species but couldn’t get around to making the most important animal: man. So he had to go to work on Saturday but don’t worry it was wear Hawaiian shirt day. The bible doesn’t explain anything regarding dinosaurs. It’s proven that they were on Earth millions of years ago, long before humans have arrived.

The next chapter is called the Garden of Eden. Let the contradictions roll. It clearly states that man was created first and then the animals created after him. But wait, you may say that man was created after the animals in the Creation story but in the Eden story man was created before the animals. Read it if you don’t believe me.

But how could this be? Which story do I believe? Here’s a hint; neither one. One of my biggest points about the Bible is this: how can you then believe the rest of the Bible because clearly you can’t believe in many parts of it. You can’t just pick and choose what passages are supposed to be taken literally and what passages are not to be taken literally.

I don’t know how exactly the Universe was created. Our best bet is the Big Bang Theory. Ha what a good show. I love Sheldon. Do you ever notice that... ha just joking? If you follow Octum’s Razor than the best bet is the Bang theory. Having this entity we call God who creates the Universe leaves so many more questions unanswered. Many which science can’t solve? For instance, how was He created then?

Back to Eden. God performs the first surgery and makes a woman of out of one of Adam’s ribs while he was asleep. You’d think he would wake up but God probably gave him the first roofies. What the fuck? Even God can’t make a full person out a little bone. Do you see how silly this is to me?

So they’re in a garden and have it made. But God messes with them and says don’t eat any apples off of the knowledge tree. When you say something like that to toddlers they do exactly that. So yes, a magical apple that makes you smart. Why not just put a barb wired fence around the tree? So a talking snake entices the bitch to eat it and she shares it with Adam. And God, who knows it was going to happen anyway, is pissed. He takes away the snakes limbs but nobody explains how the snake lost its speech. So they’re kicked out of the garden. Why not just hop the fence back in? Because there is a sword protecting it. That’s right a sword. And where exactly is Eden anyway? I think by now people would stumble onto this oasis.

So Adam and Eve have two boys. Something is missing here. Where they fuck is the girl next door because it seems that our ancestors are all inbreed. What happens when Eve dies? Hmm, think about that? Oh but wait they lived like 800 years.

The most unbelievable part of the Bible is Noah’s Arc. Come on people, think how completely ridiculous this is. Apparently man became evil. What do man do to be evil? Did they shop at the Gap on Sunday? So God floods the entire Earth. Why does little four year old Timmy do to fucking drown to death? I don’t know. I don’t see what the entire population of Earth did to drown? But He loves you.

So before the flood, Noah has a couple of weeks to construct this enormous arc out of wood that will hold two of every animal on Earth. Yes, he traveled the four corners of the world in a matter of days to catch the elusive polar bear and moose. He had to capture both sexes of every animal and transport to back safely to where to Jerusalem. Then he had to safely contain them in separate cages and feed the animals for forty days or some number.

 I guarantee he couldn’t catch two fucking lions, keep them in a cage and feed them for a week. So yes Noah and his family are the only people to survive. Again in order to man to survive we had to resort to freaky inbred shit. It’s impossible, it never happened. If it did, he probably saved two goats, some chickens, and Elephant for probably a week.

Do you see how utterly absurd the Bible is? The Bible was meant to explain things. It was made long before we had conventional science. Some of the parts teach hatred and are unethical. Reading it doesn’t make you a better person. So why not skip church, put the Bible in the recycling bin and have a nice picnic and appreciate all of the good things life has to offer.