Milfiwd: Mother I’d Like to Fuck if I Was Drunk

My dad buys the worse movies because they are in the clearance bin. So my dad bought me the movie MILF the unrated experience for nine bucks. There is actually a label saying quality guaranteed. If this movie is passed by Rogers guaranteed then what movie isn’t. So I’ve never heard about it but I’m sure some boobs and drinking will make up for it. Good thing it’s not the rated version. Later on my mom walks by during a jerking off scene and asks what’s the heck is going on.

So there were a couple of trailers that are so bad they’re good. All made by the obscure movie production company Asylum. Where they should go to after making these horrible, horrible movies. Here are three tasteless movies.

Take Ballistica. First off I don’t like action movies with no story or plot. Second, they probably showed all of the good parts in the trailer anyway. Third any action fan loves big explosions. These were obviously computer generated.  Probably by some nerd using hyper card. I looked it up on IMDB to see the rating and it got a whopping three out of ten. I’ve seen better movies on Youtube by some kid and an Iphone.

I mean who the fuck would someone put up some cash to make this movie? Hey guys we got Paul Logan in what people are calling the next Matrix. No he’s Paul Logan. You’re thinking of Paul Hogan… the Australian guy. There is one scene where there is this flying bullet that magically falls right into his gun chamber. Hilarious.

Here is their actually summary: A man has been trained in a deadly form of hand-to-hand combat using ballistics and firearms. He is one of the few Americans who has perfected it, which makes him the CIA's best weapon against International Terrorism.

This has to be one of the funniest shit I ever heard. It’s so corny. I don’t even know if they realize what hand to hand combat means. Hand to hand combat is using your fists or your body. Ballistics and firearms are not hand to hand combat. Dumbasses.

Then came another preview by the same people at Asylum called Airline Disaster. Good name, real creative. Guess what review they got. Two. I wonder if the movie makes enough money to cover their crack addiction because they are clearly on it. If Snakes On A Plane flopped then think how bad this movie is. It’s not even straight to VHS, download or on late night television. They use is straight to disc shooting.

Here is their summary: When the President learns that domestic terrorists have skyjacked the passenger jet her brother is flying, she must choose between family and the safety of the people in the cities below.

Hey idiots it’s called hijacking not skyjacking. So yes they show an airplane that is hitting a building. Real nice and sensitive to all of these people affected by Nine Eleven. Was this made in Afghanistan? I hope the whole crew gets hit by poisonous hale. That’s like making a movie about when Haiti was struck by the earthquake and showing people losing their homes and starving.

Titanic was an awesome movie. It happened a long time ago so I don’t feel bad about the victims. Then Asylum made Titanic Two. It should be called Titanic 1.8 because that’s the rating they got.  Is that even possible? Could they get negative two? To put into perspective, I’d give Rosie O’Donnell a two. If I was completely drunk.

Here is their summary. On the 100th anniversary of the original voyage, a modern luxury liner christened "Titanic 2," follows the path of its namesake. But when a tsunami hurls an ice berg into the new ship's path, the passengers and crew must fight to avoid a similar fate. I also heard the line “its seems like history is repeating itself” in the preview.

Why the fuck would the Titanic Two cross the ocean during a tsunami? We have the weather network and Doppler 3000 to indicate if there is a storm brewing. It would be more plausible if they just got hit by the tsunami. I mean icebergs are really heavy. And why wouldn’t they just move out of the way? We have the technology and satellites to see incoming icebergs. And I’m sure someone on this massive ship would have Rogers and call for help and get airlifted.

So I’m drinking alone and watching the movie Milf or Mother I’d Like to Fuck. I quote the cover: a new sexy comedy classic in the tradition of the Hangover and Superbad! I thought it was by the creators of Superbad. I was wrong. So terribly wrong. It was like one long porno video. A really bad porno video, with no production values. Good thing I’m drinking because it is almost unbearable to see. So bad I started to watch television while I watch the movie just to see how it pans out.

Its worst than American Pie Old Age Home Unrated. Right off the bat the dude walks into his friend’s house and sees his mother completely naked. This was like in Who’s the Boss where Tony Danza sees Angela naked; but not funny. This scene was clearly done for people too nervous to go to the adult store. And they weren’t even that nice.

So like a million other movies the geeks want to get laid. I don’t even know if they had auditions. It’s like they did eeny meeny miny mo. And I bet they found the actresses right off of the street and paid them with new boob jobs and lots of coke. The one dude is so bad at acting but I think they couldn’t redo production and were stuck with him.

So one scene they’re playing video games and are clearly not playing video games. They should actually be playing Call of Duty and not look like they are just randomly mashing buttons. You can actually see them stopping during every line or looking away for an inordinate amount of time.

There are so many continuity errors and mistakes. One shot shows him on the right side of the other guy and then he’s on the other side in the next scene. Or the background and extras are moved around. And there are so many oh I caught my friend is fucking my mom, how awkward. This happens like seven times.

Remember the Stiffler? Just like how they copied the term milf off of American Pie they also had a Stiffler character. Only not funny. And they try to hard to be funny. I think there are like thirty cock jokes or jerking off jokes. Masturbating! That’s gold! And calling someone a fag a million times loses its meaning. There was no real ending. They kind of winged it with him getting the super anorexic girl.