The Roast of Stix

Stickley is one of my long time best friends. We have a lot of inside jokes that only we find funny. Such as “wait one second.” So get to know Stix with a few tidbits and stories about him. But don’t worry Stix, no Star Trek jokes.

To start off Stix is incredibly pale. He’s like an off shell white. So he must put on a shit load of sun screen because he burns all over. I hope he doesn’t get skin cancer. Who else will I play Starcraft with?

Before we were good friends we were playing basketball and the ball got stuck in the net. Being the genius I am I tried to get it down with his helmet. And it cracked. I don’t how well of a helmet that cracks will save your life. So my mom brought me to his home and paid him $20 for damages.

We had this long running joke about when Aaron’s dog Sasha will die and how Aaron will react. I think Stix predicted he would be like oh its just a dog and he was going to die anyway. And then Aaron would snap. Sasha! Nooo. I think Aaron would hide in his room for three months and not talk to anyone until they bought a replacement dog. And Aaron would be like no dog could replace Sasha. But after two more months would finally accept Sasha’s death and moved on.

I don’t know who said it first, but me and Stickley like saying “indeed” or “touché” or “it was somebody from the inside.” He also says aahh every time he takes a sip.

There was this huge party out of town and we got wasted. Aaron was driving us home. I think Irving was shot gun and me and Stix were sitting in the back. Well this was a beat up car and the ceiling was sagging. So we were each taking turns pulling it down even more. I just took a huge handful and it was sagging like crazy and Aaron looks back and was like what the fuck you guys. So he dropped us off and we were giggling like crazy and started to walk back. And then he later came back. I think they got rid of the car anyway.

At elementary school we had class presidents that we called senators. All we really did was sell juice and chocolate milk. Me, Stics and Machado ran for senator. I think Machado got two votes give or take one. So I pretty much slandered Stics and made a speech completely mocking him. My favorite line describing how he sold drinks was “here you go”. My last line was “I had a dream” and I got a standing ovation. Being a senator had its perks. I got to sell drinks and missed French because of it. Sweet. And I stole juice too. The problem was that I had to empty the trash cans for every grade. Old chocolate milk reeks.

Obviously we love Star Wars and love quoting them. Some good lines are “but I was going to the Tashi station to buy some power converters.” Or when C3PO gives his speech about dying a slow death as you are slowly digested over a 1000 years.

We used to play a lot of Starcraft. We would both be the Protoss and team up on other players. And before we finish the last guy off Sticks would turn off that team status and turn on me and ruin my record once a again.

Stix used to be called Mr. Smooth because there was a hot chick Clair that liked him and he kept ditching me and our friends to hang out with her. But he kept fucking it up. So the guys and Stickley and his lady friend were over at my place. We were watching Undergrads which is an awesome show. Throughout the show the main character Nitz tries to hook up with the chick he likes just how Stickley tries to hook up with Clair. And then Nitz’s friends finally confront him about it, just like our situation. The guys all laughed, I spit my beer, Stickley froze and Clair is like that was so embarrassing.

Me and Stickley always partnered at Golden Eye but we would keep shooting or blowing each other up. We also coined the term the house or used the divider.

Stickley like all Mac fans are so proud of their computers. They are the type of people who go to Star Bucks and order a bottle of water and some celery and use their WiFi to find the latest gossip about the new 3D Ipad. They swear by it that you can’t get viruses. Maybe because hackers don’t give a shit about Macs. And how many games or soft wear can you buy for Mac? Starcraft and the Sims?

The ticket story is the greatest story ever. Only me and Stix really appreciate how funny it is. So we were at a Bayfest concert and totally stoned. I sneaked in some weed inside the rim of my hat. At the time you could only come back if you have a stamp and ticket.  So we left to get even more stoned and I start searching for my ticket And I’m like fuck I think I dropped it. So Stix looks on the ground and picked up a stub and says try this. So were at the line and he goes right in and I follow really quickly and the bouncer stops me. And he says “wait one second.” He checks my stamp and lets me inside. Right away we were laughing like crazy because it’s like right out of a movie. Wait one second.

So later the night we were driving home and there was this fat chick looking for a ride. I never picked up a hitchhiker before but I thought it would be hilarious. So we got talking and I wasn’t sure were we going. And being so stoned we left her at literally the middle of nowhere. And to cap it off we went to the strippers.