Bad guys, bad guys, whatcha’ going to do? Whatcha’ going to do when they come for you?

Cops used to be one of my long time favorite shows. Is it still on? What I don’t get is why do they bring a camera man along? I mean does the camera man follow the cops for days at a time. He must get pretty pissed off with no action. The guy is like dammit! Nobody is committing any crimes. I hope we get lucky tonight; maybe a domestic violence or a drunk driver or even a homicide. That could launch my career and who knows I might be camera man on a real program like House & Home Media

I bet you every time something happens when the cops give their speech. I’m Dave, I’ve been working on the force for twelve years and I think I’m making difference. Whats this we have a code 27 at London and Murphy? Let’s roll. Mam, have you been drinking? She’s like yes, I mean no.

Why do they have fat camera men? Every time there is a pursuit on foot they can’t keep up. It’s like they’re Darth Vader and all you can hear is whooo, paa, whoopa. Dammit they hoped the fence, if only I stop eating so many Big Macs or hit the gym I could keep up.

I never understand why criminals are so stupid. For instance why would they try to drive away from the cops and end up in a hot pursuit or high way chase? Do they think they could actually get away? This is life, not the game Grand Theft Auto. The cops can see your car and license plate so you better move to Mexico. And the worst part is they endanger other people lives. Maybe that’s why they are a criminal in the first place. I’ve heard that one guy speeding away because of a parking ticket.

The bad guys are a hilarious mix of white trash rednecks, crack heads and thugs. I love theirs stories like a person borrowing a car or that the ice is actually baking soda. It’s funny how racists the cops are. I saw one officer pull over a black guy riding a bike because he had a hunch. Sure enough he did have coke on him. This was totally racial profiling. The problem with most suspects is they rob or run away because of a drug problem. If they legalized drugs we wouldn’t have this criminal behavior.

I’ve been stopped by the police tons of times. I did a rolling stop when I was delivering pizzas and the cop asks if I stopped. And I said yes. And he was like okay. One time I didn’t stop at this corner where nobody stops at. And there was a cop right behind me. I was so nervous I was shaking. Really shaking. Thank Jebus I got off with a warning.

One of my scariest times ever was when I was going over the bridge to the States. Well I see a police dog up the line I started to freak out. Sometimes I leave weed in my pockets. So I check out my pockets and what a relief. Well the dog starts barking me and I’m like fuck off dog. I think my brother left some crumbs of weed or ashes on the floor. So they pull me over and did all of these tests and finally let me go. Thank Buda.

I think every knows about when I almost got busted for DUI. I was drinking at home and had five beers within an hour and I thought to go meet up my friends at Two Amigos. There I had only one beer and I felt completely fine. Well I gave the guys a ride home and for whatever reason I stopped and my buddy threw a garbage can in the middle of the road. Sure enough there was a cop in the church parking lot down the road. And I knew the cops like to stake there. So the sirens go off and I pull over and went over the curb. So I went to the police car while he interrogated my friends. All they said was I only drank one beer at the bar. Which is true? But I didn’t even have a full license and wasn’t supposed to have any. So he asked some questions and I think he knew my dad from soccer and I got off. My dad always says don’t go for brownie points and not tell the officer you had only so much. Even if you say you had one they have to give you a breathalyzer. Good thing I still have my license after all of this because how else would I be able get some warm Big Macs and a cold large Pepsi.