Watch Out, I Mean Fore

I love golf. I play with my dad all the time. Although my brother has a wicked slap shot, he can barely hit the ball. And my mom refuses to play. It’s good to bond with my dad because we always watch television in different rooms. I’m watching Golden Girls and he’s watching Two and Three Quarter Men.

I got lessons and wow did they make a difference. I definitely recommend them. Its one of those games where the better you are the funner it is. I usually do two or three jager shots before I play, it helps me relax and I’m alcoholic.

I was really terrible at golf as a kid. I think I could putt further than drive it. Or even throw further despite not being able to throw it. And I use to do the whole six putts because instead of putting closer I keep putting way over the asshole. So I always loved par threes. Way easier to get to the green.

You can’t kill it, it never works. You have to swing like a pendulum if you will. I pretty much only use a putter, wedge, 3 wood and 6 iron. Makes the bag lighter. They should make a 18 wedge where you can hit straight in the air. That would be fun. I take way too long to swing. I have to jiggle my ass and take five practice swings. And I make huge divits. My dad needs complete silence. Greg you are making a shadow. Sorry. And I like honking horn when I drive by golf courses while people are swinging.

I don’t keep score. Unless you’re playing for money or bragging rights I don’t see the point. All you do is write down a number on a piece of paper you’re going to throw away. I focus on each individual hole and try to get a par and not worry if I took 8 swings on another hole. My dad asks me what got and I’ll be like give me a boogey? When it really is a triple boogey.

Whenever we use the cart there are always four old people or complete amateurs ahead of us and they don’t let you us through. Once there was a long lineup and nobody was moving. And these douche bags hit it while we were still on. My dad lost it on them. They won’t do that again.

I always buy cheap used balls. Especially when I have to hit it over a pond. And I don’t have to worry about finding them in the woods or the edge of water. My dad uses Ultra Mega Titleist with heat seeking lock on flag technology and spends like ten minutes trying to find one he lost. My rule is that there is no water penalty because you already lost your ball. And I always forget and leave my wedge by the last green all of the time.

I hate sand traps. I spend more time in the sand than David Hassle Hoff. Hahahahahahah, Hoff, hahahaha Baywatch. Hahaha Zing! I love animals but I wished I could zap those annoying geese with my ray gun. They never move. I have almost hit like four people now. Including myself when I hit a tree and it ricocheted back at my head. And one time I yelled watch out! Instead of fore!

The alligator story is one of my favorites. My uncle said there used to be one in the pond near our trailer. But they took the gator away. The sign actually said don’t molest them. I have no idea what that means. Are people fondling the alligator down his special place? So we get up to this course and I notice another warning sign about alligators and snakes and thought nothing of it.  So my dad hits his ball near the edge of a pond and calls me over. Well like 50 feet away was this Peter Pan size gator looking right at me. I just slowly back off while my dad is laughing. I’ve seen them before in Bush Gardens but it’s a lot scarier with out the protective glass. I almost wet my pants and have numerous nightmares now because of this traumatic experience. So whenever I hit my ball near water, I’ll just drop it here. Good things the most dangerous wildlife are geese and frogs in Canada. Hey man, there are fucking ducks in that pond; they will eat you like bread.