Mono poly

I have this huge love hate thing about monopoly. If you’re doing well it’s awesome, but if all you got is BO (body order)  Railroad it sucks. The first moves pretty much decide the fate of the game. It gets pretty nerve wrecking. Noo not income tax I’m on a fixed income! If you don’t pay your income tax you go to jail for fraud. You should buy every property except hydro and nuclear plants and the railroad tracks. They never pay off.

I always move the other guy’s pieces and fuck up the game. And I always have to count every move. Greg for fucks sake if you are on Free Park and roll two fives then you go to go to jail. It goes by tens and counting won’t change that.

I love Chance. My favorite one is where you molest two children, go straight to jail. But after three moves you’re out. It’s not like North Korea monopoly where you spit your gum on the side walk, you can’t move for 50 moves. There is the one killer community chest where you pay so much for all of your houses. Of course I’m like Rain Man and count the community chest deck. And I use the force to manipulate the dice.

We always put the $500 on the free two hour parking along with all taxes. Now they have electronic monopoly which I don’t like the idea. I like counting my mona and stealing from the bank. And I’m totally stingy with my money. You forget my $2 bitch. You don’t have change, well get change. Fine I will take your $5, it adds up. I also hate being the banker because of my poor counting skills. I’m usually in charge with the properties.

You get the weirdest trades ever. Okay my Marvin Martian for your New York New York only if I trade for my

Park Place

for Jay’s inbred Kentucky and get $500 and get safe passage through the blues.

Eventually it gets to the point that you don’t want to move. I want to make it through the red gauntlet and watch out for the axes of evil. It’s like sweet luxury tax. The best part is when you distract the other guys when you land on their property. Too late now sucka. Of course I’m a huge narc. Um Stickley you do realize that Irving landed on your

Park Place

. And I think there’s some rule that if you forget your go money it’s too late.

There are lot of monopoly themes now. In fact Sarnia is on Canadian monopoly. My favorite one is Star Wars! It makes the game so much funner. I always choose R2D2 and make funny R2 noises. Like I would land on Jabba the Hutt’s Hut and make sad R2 beeps. I love the properties too. Sweet I got Endor!

I think they already made it but Ghettopoly would be awesome! I can imagine the properties. The lowest ones would be cardboard boxes. Next the reds would be vans and station wagons and the blues would be crack houses. The pieces would be a shopping cart full of cans, a heroine needle and crack pipe to name a few. And some of the chance cards would be you stole a car go to jail or you snorted some coke and are paranoid go back three spaces.