XXX-Men

I love the X-Men. Some of my favorites are Cyclops, Storm, Wolverine, Mystic, Professor X, Grass Man and Night Crawler.

I would never want to be Cyclops or even near him. I don’t know how his eye lasers work. In his true identity he wears some kickass UV ray sun glasses. But how does he put them on? Does he sleep with them on or does he close his eyes and leave them on the night stand. I mean what happens if Magneto is attacking and he wakes up and accidentally cut off his own legs and burn a hole through the roof. And what happens if his glasses fall off in public? Oh shit I did it again. Or maybe I’m reading way way too much into this.

I think Strom would do the world much better by making it rain in places with drought rather than fight crime. I always wondered if she could stop storms or tornados? It would be fun to mess with the weather station and fuck up their forecast. This is Doppler 1700 and we have another bright sunny day, 25 Celsius and now its snowing all of a sudden. That bitch! Just don’t bother her when she’s on her period. She’d strike you with lightning in a second.

Wolverine is one of the most popular heroes and he hales from Canada. It must be pretty graphic though if he used his adamantium claws on bad guys. It’s the same deal in Phantom Menace when the Jedi use their light sabers. Imagine it was real people they were fighting and not robots. It would be rated Z. I wish I’d have healing powers and all sorts of things without worrying about skinned knees or hang nails or an axe in my head.

Mystic has the coolest powers. If I could have any powers, I would be a shape shifter. Think of all the fun things you could do. First I’d change into the George Clooney and get all of the ladies. I would not have to work out anymore I’d just morph into some ripped dude with a six pack. Then I would order pizza every hour and at the end of the day simply change back into a slimmer me. The coolest part is that you could turn into other heroes and villains. Like you could turn into Angel and fly. Or turn into Juggernaut and trash the place. Or do the whole I’m the real Wolverine he’s the imposter.

Professor X is of course the bald guy in the wheel chair with telepathy and mind control powers and the dean at X-Men Academy. With his psychic abilities he’s a huge narc and knows if you are cheating, plagiarizing or using illegal substances. Me on the other hand would use the powers of mind control and enslave an army of servant to do my biddings. Bring me a wrench and some Big Macs.  I don’t know if I’d want to hear people’s thoughts. Sure it be fun to know what people are really thinking, but it would be like people are speaking their mind and could be making fun of you. God Greg is such a pothead loser; he should get a job and a life.

Then there is Grass Man. His alter ego is Gregera. He protects the people of Sarnia and lives in the Cannabis Cave. Or his parents basement. He has the power of marijuana. He can attack with his smoke rings and temporarily blind people. He has the power to get the villains really really high to distract and incapacitate them. With the pain reliever powers he can get baked and withstand pain. His paranoia allows him to read minds. And can vanish in a cloud of smoke. He wears green spandexes with obviously a pot leaf as his symbol, sandals and a Rastafarian hat. His weaknesses are only being shot, stabbed, kryptonite, drowning, suffocating and falling.

Night Crawler is the funny blue mutant who can teleport pretty much anywhere. But he has to see his destination so he doesn’t teleport into a fire hydrant. He is very religious and would be my mom’s favorite hero if she had one. Good thing he is on the good side because there are so many bad things you could do. Like teleporting into a bank vault or the beginning of the line for Space Mountain at Disney world.