Canadian Pie

I saw American Pie at the theatre with a bunch of friends during my high school years. It was ground breaking, one of the first movies to tackle teenage sex. And has lead to a string of other American Pies with Bert always in it for some reason. I have both the original VHS copy and the “Unrated! The version you couldn’t see in theaters.” And I can’t find any difference at all. Maybe there is three seconds more of Nadia stripping.

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The begging starts off with Biggs trying to jerk off to bad reception of porn and is all excited about seeing a nipple. Dude ever heard of National Geographic. Every magazine has naked jungle chicks. And his parents catch him in the act. It happens to the best of us. Dude, use the shower, play music while beating off or wait till your parents are gone you horny nerd.

But it gets worse. When Biggs asks his friends about third base and they said it’s like American pie. Dude they didn’t mean it literally. Oh this pie is getting me hot. Ug it’s still warm and squishy. Oh dad, ya I won’t lie I was pounding a pie. Hey son as long as you protection, you could burn your dick with pie fucking. And later they’re like what does having sex with a dead body. Like cool ice cream.

Then his father buys him some good porn. This is my child porn; just don’t get caught with it. And this is Skank; notice the ring on her clit. And here are some used condoms, don’t worry I washed them. For fuck sakes just use a Sears’s catalogue or use your imagination.

The best part of the movie is when Nadia strips. My VHS copy gets really fuzzy when it happens from all of that rewinding. Don’t you think it’s kind of perverted to tape a girl changing in your room and showing it all to your friends? I’m pretty sure there is something illegal about taping a chick changing without her permission.

It had great lines like suck me beautiful. It never works. I think Willow is the cutest chick in the movie. One time at band camp we had an orgy and I stuck a hamster up my ass. So when are we going to do some bondage and get freaky because I’m so horny. An awesome movie.

Then they made American Pie 2. I remember me and Chris got really baked and were thinking we’re going have a laugh fest. Wow were we disappointed. I think I laughed more at unintentionally scenes like when Stiffler buys everyone lube and sex toys. Hey guys I got some lube, let’s get our jerk on. And the dude has phone sex with his lady friend. Oh ya I’m rubbing my nipples, there so hard.

Notice that many sequels use the same jokes only slightly different? Take the Nadia strip tease that went to all these computers. It was funny and it could happen. Then they did the whole we do you do it for the lesbians. Okay, I suck his dick if you munch her carpet. It was so fucking gay, And for whatever incredible reason, their walky talkies somehow magically broadcast on the radio and other channels. For example the guy is working at Taco Bell and this whole sex thing comes on. the PA. And instead of saying what the fuck is happening they get all hot about hearing chicks licking each other and dudes kissing each other.