Remember the Muppets?

Kermit the frog was the central character. Kermit never knew his parents. He was born along with a 100 other tadpole muppets. He is a badass guitar player. You should hear his guitar solo of Metallica’s Master of Muppets.

Miss Piggy is the aspiring actress but nobody likes a pig. She gots the hot for the frog, but I think she’d crush him when they get down and busy. Do you ever see Piggy in lingerie? She’s Hot!  She’s such as slut with her eight nipples. Imagine what their children would look like. But after continual spousal abuse, Kermit had a restraining order for the bitch because she keeps karate chopping him in the head.

Gonzo was my favorite muppet. I don’t know what exactly he is? An alien? He was quite the dare devil. He broke 16 bones jumping over a pool of muppet sharks. The doctors told him he would never walk again. But he had a lady friend Camilla; a chicken that he knocked up and gave her three muppet STDs.

Rowlf the dog is the penist. I don’t know kind of dog he is. But he got rabies and was put down after biting Jim Henson in the leg. They told the other muppets that he was sent to a farm where he could run free and chase muppet squirrels.

Fonzzy bear is the comedian muppet. Don’t worry he is more scared of you then you are of him. He dresses up as a hobo and uses purple mascara. He bombs all of the time at stand up. One time he lost it at the Apollo when these muppet hecklers said he was only good at the Muppet show and he called them all muppet jiggers. Wocka, wocka, wocka!

Rizzo is the rat muppet. His wife got killed by a mousetrap and he has never been the same since.  He contemplated ending his life by taking rat poison.

Statler and Waldorf are the old geezer critics. They’re old so they complain about everything.  Statler has Alzheimer’s and is always asking where his wife is. And Waldorf needs a new hip and kidney.

Beaker is the mad scientist who makes his own meth in a secret laboratory. And Dr. Bunsen is the scientist without eyes. Just some glasses.

The Swedish chef is the cook of muppets but can’t see through his bushy unibrow. He speaks gibberish but makes a damn good omelet out of Camilla’s eggs.

Janice is the hippy with lip collagen gone terrible wrong. I think they named after Janice Joplin because of her excessive drinking problem. She got so desperate for booze that she drank mouth wash.

Animal is the badass drummer. He was part of the Who but was replaced because he couldn’t shake his cough syrup addiction and kept eating his drums. His real name is Ted.

Sweetums is the freak of muppets. He’s Chewy’s ugly long last brother. I think he is the only muppet that has someone inside. Despite his hideous appearance his is beautiful in the inside and has a gentle soul.