Bored Games

Remember board games? They’re old school. That’s what we did until ultra realistic video games came along.

My favorite is Risk. You need at least four players for a decent game. I always go for Australia because it’s so easy to defend. I’m like the Swiss, I remain neutral, never attack except to get my cards and let the others kill each other off. The beginning is very hectic. I hate when someone else is going for the same territory. Hey I’m going for the mightiest nation in the World, Canada, so back off fucker. Screw you Canada is mine bitch. My friends don’t like my shaking hands because I always hit other pieces over. Greg you idiot look at the mess you made. It’s like a fucking earthquake hit our Risk board. Of course I use my Jedi powers when rolling the dice.

I love Win Lose or Draw. I haven’t played it in ages though. I kick ass! I’m good at drawing and guessing. Okay, let’s see, three words. Uuhh first word, chick, dyke, woman. Okay woman. Second word, mm, sex, uh fucking. Fucking. And butt, ass, oh donkey.

I was never able to actually play Mousetrap. It never actually worked. I got as far as the boot. In the movie Goonies they had this elaborate contraption on the lawn to open the gate. And Chuck had to do the truffle shuffle to get in. It was funny but really impractical every time the mailman comes. They should have got ATD Alarm System.  They should make one with actual mice and mousetraps. Oh poo my mouse got poisoned.

Then there is life. I never liked it. There is like no strategy involved. But it’s the chance for me to feel like a success, if just for an hour like a doctor or lawyer or Taco Bell late night assistant manager. They should make a game called Get A Life. Where you have realistic blue collar jobs like a construction worker, bus driver or me, a reverse retiree. You land on spots like you get caught for solicitating a transgender hooker, go back three spaces.

I am the worst Jenga player, on account of my shaky hands. It’s not even worth playing with me because I fuck it up right away. And I can barely set it up. So I choose which piece to take and let a friend actually do it for me.

Remember Hungry Hungry Hippos. When you try to eat all of these white ball food thingies. I loved that as toddler. They should make a new one called Hungry Hungry Obese People, where you have to eat all of these pies.

Stratego is my kind of game. And it’s named rightly so, there is a lot of strategy. I’ll try my best to describe it, it’s like Chess. You get a board and setup your pieces however you want. The goal is to capture the opponent’s flag. The pieces go in rank order so a higher rank can kill a lower one. The best part is that there are bombs which kill everyone except miner. My brother though broke part of the flag and Marshall on purpose so you know where they are. Which ruined the game. And again with my shaky hands I knock over the pieces.

Scrabble words is fun even for someone who has a vocabulary of a five year old. I played it on the internet and got screwed royally. They had all of these words I never even heard of, like “mu” and I’m like what the fuck is mu? And I ruin every game because I use small words that nobody can branch off. I like using names and swear words. Okay, lets see I have an F (3 pts) a U (8 pts) a C (2 pts) and a (K 4 pts). I Pass.