Do You Speak Any English?

I was once intelligent. People are like what ever happened? I used to make great speeches and could speak in front of the entire school without forgetting a word. I was part of the drama club too. Everyone knew I had to play the goofy radio DJ character, King Kenny Cool. Now I have stage fright every time I ask the teacher if I can go the bathroom. I don't know can you? May I go the bathroom?

I can’t even order a fucking hamburger from Harvey’s without confusing the lutter. I mean I going through drive thru and waiting in a long lineup and I actually recite my order before I get to the speaker box. Can I have an original cheese burger with ketchup, mustard, mayo, lettuce, onion and two pickles on the side, vanilla milk shake and onion rings and some napkins? Then once I’m up I’m like uh hamburger with cheese, hmmm, with cheese and uh ketchup uh mustard, uh sour cream, I mean mayo, and, uh how much are onion rings, okay umm large onion rings, uh….

I could also write a damn good book report. For my grade 7 book report I did it on my favorite book the Hobbit. It was so good; I used the pretty much the same book report in grade 9 and grade 11. My imagination of the Lord of the Rings was much better than the movies. For example I pictured Gollum as more like Yoda fellow.

Now I can’t even spell a sentence without spelling something wrong. And sometimes spell check has no fucking clue what I mean. Like the word Halleluiah! (I know what you’re thinking Stix). It’s like charades with my computer (I thought it was sherades). And sometimes it says my Canadian spelling is wrong. Or even names that you should have been known are wrong like Obama. In fact I think one quarter of my words are underlined. Such as quarter. I also miss all of my grammatical (got it the first time!) errors because I read it how it is suppose to be written.

Before spell check I’d ask my mom, a walking dictionary. And she’s like look it up. Which used to take forever before I could just simply type it in my computer dictionary. It’s a catch 22. I can’t look it up to find how it’s spelled because I don’t know how it’s spelled in order to look it up. Like confluent; does it start with a k? Or I can’t even think of the right word. Even common words, like what’s the thing you use to open a can?

And I always wonder how they invent a new word? I mean they had to at one point in time. Fellow dictionarians the new word of the day is lutter. A type of waitress at a fast food restaurant. For example Joe ordered 50 Mc Nuggets from the lutter. And the lutter spit on his Nuggets.

I always wished I could speak a second language. But not French, our second national language. I rather learn Japanese and watch anime without the sub text or help make and translate a Squaresoft RPG. And it be cool to talk to someone else without other people understanding us. Like how those Chinese waiters make fun of the fat guy in Mandarin. I know for sure every time I get stoned and go the Chinese buffet they are making fun of me right in front of my face. That scruffy looking pothead used his fingers to eat the egg roll. Hahaha. Slob.

But how do you think in your head? Do you ever mix up the languages? That’s why I’m against French immersion. Unless you work in the government, sell wine, want to visit Paris or woo your lover with sweet words, why would you need it? I much rather be very good at English than be okay at both. I would also like to speak in ewok. Come on spell check you should know what an ewok is. Fiche-moi la paix! That’s Fuck you in French. You’ll need it whenever you’re in Francis.

And come on freedom fries?