Learning is Half the Battle!

Lego was my favorite toy, because you could build anything. I loved Castle Lego and anything with wheels. Micro machines were fun too. And I loved GIJOES. Yo Joe!.

I loved watching them, playing with them and my dad loved buying them. I think the cartoon much like Transformers or Heman were like a huge commercial meant to get kids to buy them. That’s where the money is. Notice Cobra Commander’s voice is done by the same guy who did Star Scream. I wasn’t so into Transformers or Heman. It think I sold my Heman figures at a garage sale for a dime each. My cousin a huge collector would probably have a heart attack if he found out.

We used to have all of the original characters, vehicles and both bases. I had all three Cobra Commanders. Some of course got damaged. My brother and I used to use all of the spare parts to create our own new guys. For example, I would choose Destros head, Road Block’s chest, Duke’s arms, Zartan’s legs and Sergeant Slaughter’s sexy ass. Then they made everyone and every thing neon. You know in case they are going to a rave. Some names were Captain Ecstasy, Blow Away and Ted. However we are missing most of our collection, my mom probably threw them out or gave it so unfortunate kid.

I loved the cartoon. It’s an 80s classic. You could tell by their gay mustaches. They’re the Real American heroes. Where’s Canada? I mean we’re allies. Make at least one. It could be a Mounty called Canadian Bacon for all I care. I think it would be hilarious if they created a Hussein and Osama character. Every time I would think they’d finally got Cobra Commander. But he gets away. Cobra Retreat! For fuck sakes troops you stopped the nukes headed to Chemical Valley, but you just let him escape. Where are the double agents?

My favorite characters were Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow. I always have them fight each other to the death. And made light saber sounds. Vrrmm, vrvmm. Ever notice there are way more good guys than terrorist? Here are some rememberable ones.

Sergeant Slaughter was actually a wrestler in real life. He’s kind of the like the drill sergeant from Full Metal Jacket. And the Joes would beat the shit out of the fat guy with pillow bags of soap.

There are a couple of Joes specially dressed to fight in the snow. You know in case Cobra is attacking Eskimos and are creating a huge laser gun designed to create a hole in the ozone layer.... They include Iceberg, Frostbite and Blow Job, I mean Snow Job. So when ever they the Joes are fighting deep in Cambodia jungle they stand out… just a bit. And they can’t take their clothes off. Its summer I’m hot!

There are a couple of sailors too. I think the creators designed them as one big gay joke. Especially Gung Ho. How homoerotic, why would a kid buy a sailor action figure armed with a mop and raging boner.

Mainframe was the computer hacker of the day. He used to hack into Cobra’s mainframe and find out their next ridiculous plot. Now he’s one the of the douches who hack into Youtube or porn sites and spread viruses just because he can.

Most of the bad guys are all wear these tidy suites and helmets. Like who wants an operator or Cobra janitor? You would think they’d be Panama militia or Afghanis.

The twins Michael and Corey actually had different voice actors. I think they didn’t have the technology to have them speak at the same time. What a waste, why would you want the same fucking character. The only way you could tell them apart is by there useless shoulder pads.

Remember the Dreadnoks. They were the white trash of action figures. Zandar (nice fucking name) was literally a red neck because he could get a tan on his neck and body. Zarana was the dyke. I think they were all related and imbred.

Then there is Mindbender. He’s a hypnotist that tries to get people to stop smoking. Nice monocle and whiskers. Fag.

And Destro was a badass. The whole time I was watching the GIJOEs live action movie I wanted to see Destro. And I thought the Russian chick has hot. The actually gave her a nice rack. Lady Jane was made for all three girl fans. She should be wearing a dress, preparing supper and cleaning the other real soldier’s guns. I’m joking.

Where are the disabled Joes? My favorite one would be Hot Wheels with his wheel chair as vehicle. The helicopter and vehicles would have to be specifically designed so he can get in and out. And you can’t bend his legs. And of course there is Corky with a hockey helmet, real drool and a short bus as his vehicle.