I’m In a Lot of Pain. I’m Very Badly Burnt.

I’m very injury prone. I’m always stubbing me toes, banging me knees or hitting me head. Maybe I don’t have a good field of vision. Maybe I need a helmet. Thank God we have free healthcare or else my mom would say something like sorry Greg you have to bite the bullet and not get a cast for your broken leg. I just recently hurt my foot playing basketball and I still have a limp. And I can’t play hockey for a while. Boourns. That’s my favorite thing to do.

I use to always skin my knees from falling off the equipment. I would actually pull a Peter Griffin. Ahh chhh oohh ahh. I think the Neosporin was more painful that the injury itself. No, lord no please none of that, it’s not infected. Ahh! And there used to be this ointment called Zambuk that worked wonders.

But kids are suppose to get hurt. I mean a scar is a badge of honor. Remember the wood equipment we use to have? Like the zip line thing, the wobbling bridge, the fireman pole or the tire swing.  Now we have this pussy equipment. It’s all plastic and colorful. I bet it was some sissy kid got hurt and the mother complained. There should be a sign play at your own risk. No sissies (with crossed out symbol of a mail ballerina). What’s next? Forcing kids to wear knee pads, mouth guards and running helmets? You  can’t always protect your children. It makes them pussies and they end up getting their ass kicked by other kids. Of course there were no bullies when I was in school, it was very preppy.

Here are some my injuries. I got a deep cut playing street hockey and needed stitches. I was like no please its not that bad. Look its already healing. I couldn’t even watch them do it. Of course I got ice cream afterwards. I chose Cookies and Cream but I have should have got Bubble Gum.

I was climbing the top of the swings and fell off. I was screaming at first, but I walked it off. So I went home and tried to play some Nintendo. But I noticed something was wrong my wrist. Of course my mom is queen of worrying and took me to the ER. Which is once again completely free in Canada. So the doctor told me I fractured my wrist and I had to get a cast. Too bad this happened in the summer and I didn’t miss any school. A cast which I couldn’t  get wet. So I would watch all my friend swim while I sit on a chair drinking some Pepsi. And I had to wrap a bag over my arm when I would shower.

I forgot the details, but I got into an accident got a huge gouge in my head. They had to give me staples. Which they literally staple them in with a common stapler. You can’t feel it though. Just hear it. And I’m sure Stix and Irving remember when we were at the beach in the winter. We would play this game where we run across the beach and not get wet as the waves come crashing in. Well I was looking behind me when I ran full tilt into a fucking metal staircase. I was knocked out cold for like five minutes. What, what, what happened?  Well I walked if off and didn’t go the hospital. Smart idea Greg. I now have a small dent in my head. And possible brain damage. Hmm, that would explain a lot.

And my biggest injury was when I broke my fucking tibia. That’s the huge main bone in your leg. I was playing ice hockey and got checked. I happened real fast but I think I put my foot on a awkward angle and snap. So I try to get up and snap again I made it worse. Well my dad didn’t think it was that bad. Oh its just a strain. He was taking off my skate and I’m screaming. Then we both see my fucking bone popping out my leg. It didn’t pierce the skin but it was ugly. So the ambulance came and I was on a stretcher and got right into the operating room without waiting in the line. A line where half of the patients shouldn’t even be there for. So your leg fell a sleep? Anyway I was in a combination of shock and under drugs. There was another sketchy chick in the room. I asked my parents why she was there, and I would later realize she was probably on narcotics.

So I was in a good mood. I thought I would miss school and my mom would wait on me hand and foot while I play Nintendo. So I get the cast, one which could get wet this time. Too bad you couldn’t sign it. It was huge; it went from my waste down to my feet. I needed crutches like I was Tiny Tim. Well it sucked ass. I could barely climb up stairs or make it to the bathroom in time. Good thing I had insurance on my paper route and got free money. I suddenly felt left out and ostracize from my friends. Were going to play some tennis; your free to come and watch. You could be the ref. I played a lot of the original Pokemon. Pichachuuu! I had a cast on for five months. And wouldn’t feel completely better for another three months. I never played hockey again until only two years ago. Which I also hurt my back and cut my elbow because when I fell on the ice and the damn elbow pad slid down and was completely useless.

Anyway I had an allergic reaction to the cast. I was in Hell.  It got so fucking itchy. Imagine an itch that you couldn’t scratch. I would use a meter stick to scratch it or spray hot water down my cast. All the doctor did was give me more painkillers. I think they were Tylenol 3s. My brother ended up taking them. So everyone was surprised to see how gross my leg was. The first time they seen anything like it. But it was the best day of my entire life. Imagine someone coming out of the dessert and finally getting to drink some water. Then times that by a 1000 and you get how good I felt. After five fucking months I could touch my own leg. Awesome.

Do you ever wake up from a night of hard drinking and see all of these bruises and scrapes that you have no idea how it happened? Like when we were camping and I rammed my face right into a tree. Let me retrace my steps. This is where I thought I could jump over the fence.

I actually have a phobia of fishing near other fishermen. I’m always worried I’d get a hook in my eye or getting one of those triple hooks stuck in my palm.

Anyway I learned a lot about pain from my psychology courses. For example do you notice that some parts of your body are way more sensitive then others. I find a hang nail hurts more than a scrape on your knee. We also heard of stories about people who can’t feel pain and how fucked up they get as a result. They can feel touch but not pain. You think that’s good but isn’t. You don’t realize you’re hurting yourself. One person actually bit off her own tongue.

And old people are always hurting themselves. I fallen and I can’t get up! Imagine how it would feel to be afraid to answer the door without breaking your other hip. Do you think they will have exoskeleton hips eventually? Anyway when I’m older I going to complain about my arthritis and hopefully get some medical marijuana. Unless of course they already legalized it.